When I Wanted To Be Alyssa Milano

By Elizabeth Weitz

I am a chunkmeister, a Rubenesque beauty or, to be blunt, fat, and to be honest with you, I’m okay with it. The world can have its lovely thin women, I’d rather indulge in the awesomeness of beer, bacon, pizza and baked goods, followed by long, slow hikes in the forest behind my house, completely powered by sugar, fat and hops…yes, this fatty exercises at her own pace in nature and has the strong, muscled thighs to show for it.

But this confidence didn’t come easily, as a teen I suffered from multitude of societal no-nos, I wasn’t thin, I liked comic books and playing Dungeons and Dragons, I wore the same clothes everyday because I didn’t understand fashion and, I was a loner. But deep down inside I harbored a secret desire; I wanted to look and be like Alyssa Milano.

And why wouldn’t I?

On Who’s the Boss, Milano’s Sam blossomed from a cute little tomboy into a gorgeous teen idol who graced the covers of Tiger Beat magazine alongside of Richard Grieco, Debbie Gibson and a pre-weirdo Kirk Cameron:

So naturally I thought my own transformation could progress in the same way.

I planned this “becoming” (to borrow the term from Manhunter‘s Francis Dolarhyde) carefully. Alone in my room, I practiced Milano’s beauty tips after school, read through all her interviews, searching for words of wisdom to tape to my bedroom walls, watched WtB to see what Sam was wearing and sketched it out on college lined notebook paper and yes, I even bought her Team Steam workout video so that I could get into a skinner shape (which was a ridiculous notion since I was on the swim team, played basket ball and softball and walked or rode my bike to and from school everyday, for christ sake, I was in better shape than I have ever been since!).

And oh, how I followed that tape…everyday after school I changed out of my nerdwear and into tight leggings and an overly colorful top (Just like Allysa!):

And stretched myself into positions better suited to pornography than fitness:

But my body didn’t budge an inch, my make-up skills were sub-par (I more often then not resembled a battered woman, what with the eyeliner smudges and the blue eyeshadow), my fashion ability was weirdly off-putting but more importantly, I just didn’t have the confidence to go “Full Milano”.

So, I sadly put the tape away and left my “becoming” in the past, relegating myself to a future filled with loneliness and looking more like Spike from Degrassi Junior High (only without the baby) than a teen dream girl:

Looking back at it now, I’m kind of glad that it didn’t pan out. When my dalliance into teen sitcom worship went south I looked to the things I really loved for inspiration, like punk music and nerd stuff, and within those things, I found my beautiful real self…as a Riot Grrrl/beer lover. And believe it or not, those made for an adulthood filled with fun and some hot sexy times.

But even with the confidence I have now, I never would have gotten there without the unhelpfulness of Alyssa Milano, so thank you Allysa for completely letting me down in a way that led me to the awesome place I am today, and while I no longer have the need to be just like you, you are still a part of my life…just not in the way you intended.

Oh yeah, Embrace of the Vampire

Yep you are now masturbatory fodder when I need to relieve some tension…Well, I guess that’s better than nothing right?