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KILLER ELITE (Movie Review) RANT

Hey everyone!

Fall has finally arrived, and seems here to stay in NYC. It’s chilly outside, the humidity has gone, and my allergies are in full swing.

I’m still looking for a new job, since I’m not teaching full time anymore – which means that I have time to see some movies.

But I’m poor, and can’t really afford to spend $12 on movies that I know might be crappy. So when my Editor asked me if I wanted to see a movie preview, I said YES!
 
The movie? Killer Elite.

Not to be confused with The Killer Elite from the 70’s. Nor is this a remake of that film. At least I don’t think so.

The reason I wanted to see this is because it has some awesome talent/hot pieces of ass in it – Robert De Niro, Jason Statham, and Clive Owen. I will admit that I have, at least once, been in love with all of these guys at one time or another. Put them all in a movie with guns, fisticuffs, and action, action, ACTION?

How could anything go wrong?


But, as usual, PLENTY can go wrong. There can be a crappy script. There can be bad acting (yes, even from De Niro – you know that already), and AS USUAL, when a movie that seems to have great potential really stinks, the marketing for it changes on a dime. AND they usually show you ALL of the best parts of the movie in the commercials that are shown.

And that’s EXACTLY what happened here.

SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE WITH UN-JADED EYES!

THE SCRIPT – It was based on a true story that was adapted into a novel called “The Feathermen.” It was about a gaggle of old, super rich, White male, former spys who were doing bad things in foreign countries, and some double crossed each other. Or something like that.

Here’s a write up that was on IMDB by “Anonymous” –

“Based on a true story, Killer Elite pits two of the worlds’ most elite operatives – Danny, an ex-special ops agent (Jason Statham) and Hunter, his longtime mentor (Robert De Niro) – against the cunning leader of a secret military society (‘Clive Owen’ ). Covering the globe from Australia to Paris, London and the Middle East, Danny and Hunter are plunged into a highly dangerous game of cat and mouse – where the predators become the prey.”

The script wasn’t so great. Lots of “spy talk” that we’ve ALL heard before. Some of it was mind numbingly bad. I can’t recall anything specifically because I blocked it out. I brought a friend with me (a guy) for a straight man’s perspective. You know, because I was drooling every once in a while whenever Jason or Clive were on screen. Yes, I call them by their first names, because in my mind’s eye, we are all friends. Ladies, can I get an Amen?

Oh, and speaking of my girls who are also in love with these guys – there was a “love story” written into the script that involved Jason’s character. It was SUPER corny, AND was tied up with a big, red bow at the end, which totally sucked. We as an audience deserve better dammit.

THE ACTING – It was mostly pretty standard. But there were a few times that I can swear I caught De Niro sleeping. Or maybe he was on some allergy meds – it was pretty dusty in most scenes that were in the desert. Did I mention that the great Elvis Mitchell was sitting behind me in the screening room? We chatted for a minute before the movie started, and would look at each other in a knowing way when things were really bad.

One of those times was during one of the action scenes.

THE ACTION – Well, since Jason’s background started with The Transporter movies, which are basically rip offs of every movie with amazing action scenes from The Matrix on down, we all know his resume – and this movie was the same stuff. The same with Clive – the fisticuffs were the usual song and dance.

During one scene, Jason and Clive are fighting each other in an empty hospital supply room filled with needles, scalpels, saws, glass cabinets, and all kinds of other goodies to slice and dice someone with. This particular scene seemed to GO ON FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES, but was probably only about three. At one point, I turned to my friend and said, “These guys have been smashing, cutting, kicking, punching, and throwing each other around for all this time – WHY DOESN’T ONE OF THEM JUST PUNCH THE OTHER IN THE NUTS?”

And no sooner did I finish saying “nuts,” Jason punched Clive in the nuts!

After that, I think I fell asleep for about ten minutes, until Elvis tapped me on the shoulder, laughing at something else stupid that happened. And then I realized that about 5 people walked out. Whoopsie!

So, be sure to catch this flick on cable, because there is NO reason for you to watch this on a big screen. Seriously. Not even for the hot guys!

Love,
Crystal

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