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63rd Annual EMMY AWARD RANT!

OKAY! It’s Sunday September 18th and it’s FIVE O’CLOCK. and you know what THAT means – IT’S TIME FOR THE EMMY PRE-GAME SHOW on E!

Oh, I can’t believe the year has gone by so fast!

Usually I’m fretting about being up so frigging late and being really tired for school on Monday – BUT NOT TONIGHT!

As of Monday morning, I’ve resigned from the NYC DOE!

(I would LOVE to RANT about how bad the school system is here, and the myriad of reasons why I’m leaving full time teaching. I will say this, I’m on my full time Rock Star grind, and looking for part time work so I can pay my rent)

But I digress..

Okay, ON TO THE FASHION POLICE SEGMENT with our regular hosts, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne, and that dark-haired-little-queen who is almost as bitchy as Joan Rivers. Sorry, I can’t remember his name, but I dig him.

He knows his stuff!

1 – Guiliana is her usual spray tanned orange, and looks like she’s gained a little weight, which is nice? She’s probably up to 97 pounds. And she wonders why she can’t get pregnant. I’ve got three words for you G – Venus Of Willendorf.

2 – Kelly Osbourne looks like the Queen Mum. Her hair is an odd lavender/pale pink/platinum blonde/cotton candy confection, swept up in a do straight out of 1955. It makes her look old. I like the dress though…

3 – The queen is in a nice tux. He knows what he’s doing, he’s gay!

The first hour (5-6 pm) was beyond stupid. It went a little something like this…

“Hey, let’s play a game! We’re going to show a photo of a headless woman in a crazy dress, and THEN we’re going to GUESS WHO IT IS!”

“Oh, look at that. What’s going on there?” Who IS that?”

“I don’t know!”

“I give up!”

“Nope, it’s PAULA ABDUL on the red carpet in 1996 when she won for best choreography for The Tracy Ullman Show!”

“OKAY, now let’s get down to some serious Fashion talk. Let’s choose a new look for a celebrity. First up, Christina Hendricks!”

“You just KNOW that she will have the ‘girls’ on full display. But can she do something, anything else? Like get a dress that actually fits correctly?”

“Well, I sure hope so!”

“I LOVE her red hair!”

Well, I still think that this girl needs to hire a stylist. I guess people are trying to tell her, BUT THEY SHOULD START YELLING BECAUSE I’M SURE SHE CAN’T HEAR THEM OVER HER BREASTS.

Here’s what she wore last night. What do you think?

THEN the little pixie known as Ryan Seacrest took over (from 6-8 pm), when the REAL stars began to show up. I was making my dinner during most of this part. It was a non stop parade of mostly nice, and some HORRIBLE drag.




You get the picture.

I will show more dresses later. Let’s get to the show, it’s on now.

Jane Lynch was our host, and I think she gave it the “old college try” and did an okay job. She’s a good actress, and with good writing (like on Glee) she’s quite funny. She was pretty funny on the show. Thankfully she didn’t do an opening monologue, and instead did a 10 minute Glee-like clip with singing, dancing, and oodles of other TV stars. I thought it was pretty funny.

One of the things that fell VERY FLAT this year was having a bunch of TV stars as singers who introduced the categories. I recognized Wilmer Valderama, Joel McHale, and Taraji P. Henson.

This was a bad idea.


Best supporting actress in a comedy – JULIE BOWEN from MODERN FAMILY.
Best supporting actor in a comedy – TY BURRELL from MODERN FAMILY.

This is sad for Steve Carell. Even though I never watched the American version of The Office, I know how great he is, and he should have won by now, especially because he left the show.

Oh look, there’s Charlie Sheen! He thanked the cast for his old show, then introduced the nominees for his old category. He looked almost normal. Good for him! I wonder how that Comedy Central Roast is gonna go tonight…

SOMEONE’S CELL PHONE IS RINGING! CAN YOU HEAR THAT? Or maybe it’s an alarm, but it is loud and clear. DO YOU HEAR THAT?

Lead actor in a comedy series – JIM PARSONS for THE BIG BANG THEORY. He’s 2 for 2!

Lean actress in a comedy series – wait a minute, ALL of the nominees got up on stage – way to start something cool Amy Poehler! (I think that only Amy and Tina Fey planned this and then didn’t tell anyone else because every other woman who was nominated looked totally shocked and went with it. At least that’s what I want to believe) – MELISSA McCARTHY for MIKE AND MOLLY! They gave her roses and a tiara! Way to ride that wave from the movie girl!



And , once again – THE AMAZING RACE wins for the Reality/Competition category. HEY BRAVO, STEP UP YOUR GAME SON.

Outstanding writing in a Variety, Music, or Comedy series – THE DAILY SHOW. Oh and if you’re wondering, YES, ALL of the nominees ripped off David Letterman, as usual…

Okay, and now the domination of Andy Samberg continues with him and his buddies doing that Lonely Island bit. YAWN.

Now, back to the red carpet drag for a minute. Maria Bello looked AMAZING!

Hey Heidi Klum and Seal – sometimes you two are in fashion. But tonight YOU ARE OUT!

THE DAILY SHOW won for the NINTH YEAR IN A ROW for best Variety, Music, or Variety Series.


Okay, that fucking cell phone is STILL ringing! WHY DOESN’T ANYONE HEAR THAT!?!

Outstanding writing for a drama series – JASON KATIMS for FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
Supporting actress in a Drama Series – MARGO MARTINDALE for JUSTIFIED
Supporting actor in a Drama Series – PETER DINKLAGE for GAME OF THRONES!
Lead actress in a Drama Series – JULIANNA MARGULIES for THE GOOD WIFE
Lead Actor in a Drama Series – KYLE CHANDLER for FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

The time is now 10:05 pm


Lead Actor in a miniseries or movie – BARRY PEPPER – THE KENNEDYS
Lead Actor in a miniseries, movie, or dramatic special – BRIAN PERCIVAL

Now it’s the parade of people who died. There are four young, hot guys walking down the aisle singing Halleluiah. Oh, I just found out that they’re the Canadian Tenors.

What is this commercial? WOW, this “New Girl” show looks REALLY ANNOYING. I can’t wait to watch it.

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie – GUY PEARCE for MILDRED PIERCE

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie – KATE WINSLET for MILDRED PIERCE

Kate looked good tonight, and also on the verge of a wardrobe malfunction…

Outstanding Miniseries or Movie – some old, stodgy, British something or other from Masterpiece Theatre

Outstanding Drama Series – MAD MEN. Really? The 4th year in a row? 19 nominations? REALLY?

The time now is 10:54 pm

Here’s Gwyneth Paltrow to introduce the nominees for OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES – MODERN FAMILY

Oh Gwyneth, what are you doing?

Well, it’s 10:59. What did I forget? Oh yeah, PETER DINKLAGE won for his role in GAME OF THRONES. YAY!

THAT FUCKING BEEPING IS STILL GOING ON while Jane Lynch says goodnight.

Overall, this show was awkward, pretty funny, and kinda lame all at the same time. Here’s more drag…

Claire Danes did it right. I love this dress. It reminds me of Klimt, but all blue.

Here’s Martha Plimpton! She looks FABULOUS! You should watch the show she’s on, “Raising Hope” on Fox. It’s pretty darn funny!

Here’s Archie Panjabi from “The Good Wife.” She looks great too.

Okay, now let’s talk about the big gals and how to dress for your figure. Here is what to avoid.

She’s big, boxy, and has small boobs. She looks like a giant purple rectangle. A cinched waist doesn’t automatically give you an hourglass figure Melissa. I’m bummed.

Now THIS is how to do it right! Here’s Amber Riley from Glee. Don’t be scared of form fitting despite the fact that you’re not a size 0. It’s better than looking like a rectangle!

Here’s that woman from the old days of ER. Her dress looks like something from the Regretsy website. A craft project gone really wrong. And I think this is Armani Prive – yipes!

Whoa! Did Ke$ha dye her hair and bum rush the red carpet? Oh, no, it’s some woman named Paz something-or-other, from some show I don’t know about. I smell hot dog water.

Well, that’s it. It was a semi-boring night. And the more I think about it, the show wasn’t really that funny. It’s an AWARD SHOW FOR TELEVISION SHOWS, and the celebration SUCKS! How about that!

I’ll see you soon with a review of the Broadway show, “Priscilla Queen Of The Desert.” In the mean time, I’ve gotta find a job!




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