When it comes to gifts, sometimes the best thing to give your friends and family is something to put into their face hole (or something that helps them make the food that will plug up their face hole).
Simply put, nothing says “Here’s a present that I spent money on” better than a gift that will eventually travel through their colon and out their anus than the gift of food and food-related stuff.
Your Own Private Food Truck Party
This is one of the more extravagant gifts you can give a foodie, but what the hell, at least you will be remembered as THE BEST DAMN PRESENT GIVER EVER! (or, you could go in with a bunch of people if you are cheap like me).
For $1000 (I told you it was expensive) you can hire one of the local food trucks in your area to show up at the gift recipient’s house/job/paintball course and feed up to 40 people for three hours ($20 per person is added after 40)…that’s right, a truck filled with delicious noshing options will feed enough people to make the event a party.
Or, you could simply hire a food truck for yourself, invite 40 people to your house and make your movie marathon unforgettable.
I absolutely love the Thug Kitchen website, filled with great and healthy food recipes all peppered with obscenities, it’s the perfect way to cook things like a Sweet Potato Loaf Bread without it feeling too damn serious (their motto is Eat Like You Give A F*ck so that should tell you something).
Thankfully they put out a cookbook this year chock full of goodies with a healthy side of swear words, so if you happen to have an avid cook on your list this year that thinks he’s street because he once drank a forty, this one’s a must gift.
A Case of Jelly Belly Draft Beer Bottles
At my holiday dinner party this year, I gave each of my male friends (who happen to beer lovers) a bottle of Jelly Belly Draft Beer, and at first they were skeptical that anything could possibly taste as good as a swig of cold beer…then they ate it.
Yep, it tastes exactly beer…and they were hooked.
My only regret? That each bottle only holds 1.5 oz and I didn’t buy a case of these babies (48 bottles) and give each of the dudes noshing them down like crack a six pack each.
Trust me, these things will make any beer lover (or underage beer sneak- they don’t actually contain alcohol, just the flavor of it) extraordinarily happy. And for those who with a larger craving, there’s a 10 lb. bulk case available as well.
This might seem like a weird gift to give someone but if you have an adventurous foodie on your list who is in love with trying out noshes that make others gag, this is the gift to give.Sweet and sharp (like honey on a nice blue) you can be sure that no one is going to steal these babies away from whomever you give them to…well, maybe you, you kinda have try this lollipop at least once. Goes great with hot wings.
Powerpuff Girls Cookie Cutters
Sugar. Spice. Everything nice. Plus a scoop of Chemical X!
IT’S POWERPUFF GIRLS COOKIE CUTTERS PEOPLE! How could anyone not want to get these in a wrapped box filled with tissue paper?
Ready-to-Eat Edoughble Cookie Dough
Eating raw cookie dough is one of those little things that make life worth living, unfortunately eating it also means that you run the risk of salmonella or, at the very least, the violent Hershey squirts. And while that may seem like a good trade-off for shoving your maw full of raw gooey goodness, it isn’t something you want to share with another person, especially someone who you are getting a gift for.
However, you don’t have to worry about passing along explosive diarrhea to a friend or loved one when you give them the gift of Edoughble. Made with no eggs or preservatives, this small-batch artisanal cookie dough company will pack an 8 oz. jar full of deliciousness (or a pack of five if you want to give a nice selection of shame eating) all free of the stuff that will make you vomit from a stomach virus and send it your way.
Now that’s what I call an awesome gift.
80s kids might have fond memories of chugging a copious amount of Jolt Cola and feeling the rush during English class, but 90s kids remember Surge, which makes buying a case for that member of Generation Y on your list the perfect gift for a holiday Throwback Thursday.
Just throw in a Game Boy and the complete series of Boy Meets World and it’ll be as if the 90s never ended.
If you have a frequent flier on your list (due to business or pleasure) who also enjoys getting a little buzzed at 30,000 ft. then perhaps The Carry On Cocktail Kit might be something to elevate the experience.
The kit comes with a Recipe Card (for 2 yummy old-fashioned cocktails), a Spoon / Muddler, Aromatic Bitters, Cane Sugar and a Linen Coaster. All that is need to turn flying coach into an episode of Mad Men is an airline-size bottle of the hard stuff.
Kinda makes flying seem a little better, doesn’t it?
Chocolate-lovers beware, these are not your grocery store confections. Made with the high quality brown stuff and poured over various flavors that will make your mouth water (like peanut butter nougat, chocolate mint ice cream, sea salt caramel and even potato chips), this set of indie-made chocolate will satisfy anyone who needs a hit of nature’s Prozac during stressful moments.
Give someone the whole set as an awesome gift or break it up for stocking-stuffers, either way this gift is the shit.
Start your day off with the breakfast of champions…chocolate and cheerios, or, just give them to a kid to piss off their parents.
Sometimes the act of giving a gift, is a present to yourself.
Unbound Pickling’s Bacon Pickles
Bacon is everywhere these days which must make it hard for those people on your list who don’t eat meat, but these Bacon Pickles, believe it or not, are full of hickory smoked bacon flavor without actually having any meat in them.
Now your hard-to-please veggie friend (or angsty teen relative) can happily chomp down on fat-back deliciousness without any guilt.
Food science is magic.
2012 Star Trek Klingon Blood Wine
Trekkers rejoice this holiday season, for you can celebrate a Klingon Xmas by downing bottle after bottle of Klingon Blood Wine after your family fights to the death.
tlhIngan maH!
Elvis Peanut Butter Banana Hot Chocolate
For any Elvis-lover on your list it won’t be a Blue Christmas for them when they get to love their belly tender with a cup of steaming hot chocolate (and banana). It’s just what Elvis would have wanted.But act fast, it’s Now or Never if you want to get it to them before Xmas…and once they get a taste they won’t Return to Sender .
Yeah, I’m a dork.
Star Wars Han Solo Carbonite Chocolate
“He’s alive. And in perfect chocolatization.”
