THE BOY NEXT DOOR (review)

Review by Caitlyn Thompson

To say that The Boy Next Door is so bad that it’s good is a severe understatement.   Utterly void of sense and story, the film is so fantastically awful that the circle of bad-to-good is nonexistent – it’s just a hilariously phenomenal piece of garbage that I absolutely loved.

Jennifer Lopez plays a recently cheated on, high school classics teacher (yeah ooookay), always fresh with lip-gloss and skin-tight outfits that emphasize the actress’s trademark backside. How vulnerable.

Ryan Guzman plays Noah Sandborn, the sexy doe-eyed, chiseled-body neighbor.

We are introduced to him by a close up of his forearm holding up a garage door (of course) followed by a slow pan to his face – and let’s be real, he looks like he’s made of dumb.

At one point he says, “I’m 19”, aaand he’s still in high school.

First clue J. Lo. First clue my dear.

Slight spoilers ahead but come on, if you’ve seen the trailer you’ve seen the movie.

Here we go. Claire and her dorky son – who’s enamored with Noah’s confidence and cool guy voice – invite their new neighbor to dinner as a thank you for fixing their garage door, after which, there’s a profession of obsession and need and lust from the douche bag. Noah grunts about their “connection”, backs her up into a wall, kisses her, and J-Lo whispers “No,” a lot.

That’s basically the extent of their “affair.”

No build up, no tension, no chemistry, no emotion. Nothing. Just one (yes, only ONE) cheesy-soft-core “sex” scene and all of the sudden Noah’s psychotic and telling Claire’s son he “loves your mom’s cookies.”

Precious. Just precious.

The remainder of The Boy Next Door is a slew of preposterous formulaic shenanigans accompanied by the most overly dramatized camera work and score that had the entire audience clenching their guts with laughter for ninety minutes. I actually cried several times because I was laughing so hard.

And let’s just deal with Kristin Chenoweth for a hot minute. She plays Claire’s best friend. And she doesn’t have a name. Seriously. She is referred to as the Vice Principal, but has no name. Not in the movie, not in the credits. The viewer next to me and I kept giggling lines from Wicked. She was ridiculous, and dumb as well.

Did I mention everyone in this movie is made of dumb? Dumber than posts, dumber than piles of bricks. Just dumb. Amazingly, amusingly DUMB.

Perhaps it was the cohort of patrons I was with, but collectively it was a laugh riot of a show. I just severely hope the entire cast, crew, and creators of this movie weren’t serious, and understand what a glorious trashy treasure they’ve created. If you’re in a giddy mood, gather some friends and go enjoy this beautiful disaster of a movie.

I kind of already want to see it again.