One of the best things about vintage comics are the ads. And the older the comic, the better (and crazier) the ad. Dig through any random old comic and you’re certain to find ads not only pitching sea monkeys, x-ray specs and joy buzzers, but calling for folks (i.e.- children) looking to sell agriculture industry magazines, toys and even shoes.
Via old comics, you could get information on taking correspondence art classes, how to get a better body and how to track down old paperback novels.
Old comics are an absolute treasure trove of useless crap.
But there’s always been one ad in particular that, to me at least, stands out above all the other for sheer insanity and outright awesomeness.
The Polaris Nuclear Sub for only $6.98.
Granted, the first time I saw this was in some random comic from a random stack my dad had bought at a random flea market, but that doesn’t change the fact that I really, really wanted this nuclear sub. How could I not.
Even as an adult, the copy still calls to me in the night.
“How proud you will be as commander of your own Polaris Sub- the most powerful weapon in the world!”
Hell, I don’t know about you, but I’d be very proud to be commander of my own Polaris Sub and I’m a grown man. I can only guess at how a kid would take such an offer.
Speaking of; when was the last time you heard an ad for a product aimed at kids give the hard sell by promising the placement of a powerful weapon firmly into their hands? In fact, how can you advertise any product that doesn’t promise that to a child as being anything but inferior?
Now, nuclear annihilation is all well and good, but there have to be other features, right? Right.
– Over 7 feet long
– Seats 2 kids
– Controls that work
– Rockets that fire
– Real periscope
– Firing torpedoes
– Electrically lit instrumental panel
–
Seriously, with features like that, how is this not hailed as the greatest toy/playset ever created for minors? How…
Wait.
I just did a quick Google image search…
Ya know, what? Let’s just stick to the promise, shall we? No need to go searching for the reality. The Polaris Nuclear Sub for $6.98 is so fantastic!
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| Worth every penny of that seventy five cent shipping charge |
Let’s not ruin it with something silly like a real photograph… I do wonder how many of these suckers were moved back in the day and I wonder how many rich little bastards had daddy fork over a couple hundred dollars so they could have their own silent fleets.
Imagine that!
Neighborhood arms races springing up all over the country in the post-war suburbs. Legions of first grader in backyards all over America facing off, daring the one other to be the first to strike, all ready to scorched earth at the slightest provocation.
Imagine Wally and the Beav somberly turning a pair of keys at the exact same moment and dumping their nuclear payload onto an unsuspecting, but very deserving, Eddie Haskell.
Sometimes I wonder why the Baby Boomers are the way they are. I wonder how they got so jaded and so, I don’t know, antagonistic.
Then I see ads for toys like this, and suddenly I understand my father and his generation so much better than I ever had before.
Just like Chris Elliot…
