It actually took me almost a decade after getting into Fantastic Four via Tom DeFalco’s run in the early 90s to sit down and read the single most iconic run of the series. That’s right, I was an avid reader of the FF but had never, not once, read the foundation, the bedrock of the series, perhaps the single most important run in comic books: The original Stand Lee and Jack Kirby collaboration that launched not just a super hero team, but an entire universe.
Of course my mind was blown.
However, I come to not praise Stan and Jack. No, I’m here to talk about one of the most head scratchingly bad comics I think I’ve ever read, one that, to me at least, sits as a pretty funny blemish on an otherwise perfect run.
I’m here to talk about the saga of The Fantastic Four’s New House.
Round about Fantastic Four #85, the team was in a bind. They’d been kidnapped by Doctor Doom who was holding them hostage in Latveria. He wasn’t torturing them, though. Instead, he had taken their powers, set them up living the good life in one of Latveria’s villages and was kind of taunting them from afar. Oh, then he unleashed an army of indestructible robots on said village to destroy all life (yep, Doom let killer robots loose on his own people just to kill that accursed Richards).
Good stuff, but missing for most of the adventure was Susan Storm Richards, aka, The Invisible Girl. She had just birthed one Franklin Richards and had stayed back home to convalesce, letting Crystal of The Inhumans take her place. But convalesce she did and while the rest of the gang was away, Mrs. Ricahrds went house hunting for her new family.
However, not just any house would do. Not for Marvels’ First Family. The FF were celebrities at this point, and Susan wanted to get away from the ever present paparazzi, autograph hounds and, ya know, super villains.
Having seen the pain in the ass that being the super rich and super popular Susan Richards truly is, the Realtor decides to go off book. See, he knows a place that’s perfect for the Richards clan and it’s out in the middle of the woods.
Even better, it has no owner…
I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not, in point of fact, a super hero. Still, if a Realtor showed me this “house” I can think of four questions that would immediately spring to mind:
1. Are you really trying to convince me this is an actual house?
2. If you don’t know who the owner is, how can you legally sell this?
3. Do you sell other things that don’t belong to you?
4. Did you bring me here to rape and/or kill me?
Sadly, Sue asks none of these questions. Instead, the woman who has repelled Skrull invasions and faced down Galactus takes the Realtor at face value and chooses to believe that yes, that is a nice house indeed.
But Sue can’t just buy the house on a whim. Nope, she needs her hubby’s approval for that. So she rushes off to Latveria, helps rescue her family then brings them to see the new house.
And so, Fantastic Four #88, titled “A House There Was” kicks things into high gear with the family taking a first look at their new home…
Interestingly enough (i.e.- not surprisingly), damn near everyone is creeped out by what Sue has sold them as being a “lovely” home…
Reed, being the brilliant, world renowned scientist he is, starts picking up right away that nothing is right about this house. He notices that ever since he set foot inside, his head has been pounding. Not a good sign, and he says as much to his family:
Thankfully, logic prevails and they get the hell away from the place, call the authorities and tell them that something strange, possibly radioactive, is sitting in the middle of a residential neighborhood while also letting them know a man posing as a Realtor is trying to sell homes he has no right to sell. They then head back to The Baxter Building in time for a real adventure.
Nah, just fucking with ya. They decide to move in right away. Reed even starts to hang pictures for Sue (who still loooooves her new home). Then things get… ugly:
Wait? What? Reed gets constant headaches, can’t explain the origin of the home and now gets attacked by the house and still won’t man up and tell his wife that they’re outta there? We also learn that ever since coming into the house, all members of the team are slowly losing their sight. They’re ACTUALLY GOING BLIND but still won’t move out! Homes that cause migraines, loose death traps and cause long-term disabilities, dear reader, RED FLAGS!
Oh, and Good God, of course they’re bringing a baby into this house of death! They’re worse than the family from Poltergeist (side note: I tell ya, the family in Poltergeist deserved everything they got. Seriously, the first time my kid magically slides across the floor or sees chairs stack themselves, my feet are hitting the fucking floor, 20% down payment be damned).
At this point even The Great Lakes Avengers would realize that a horrible mistake has been made and that it’s time to pack up. Unfortunately, this is The Fantastic Four, not a The Great Lakes Avengers.
Now, remember that “Surprise Super-Villain of the Year” the cover mentioned? It’s time for him to make his presence known! Who could responsible for disrupting the FF’s domestic bliss? Maximus the Mad? Blastaar? Annihilus? Doctor Do…
Goddamnit, its the Mole Man.
Yep, Marvel’s poster inept villain. He who lives underground, controls a bunch of monsters and every few weeks stages an attempt to take over the world that normally takes about ten minutes to repel (I also like think that he talks like a drunken Burgess Meredith). ‘Twas the Mole Man who built the house, only, it’s not a house! It’s a machine to make the world’s inhabitants blind! Once everyone is blind, the Mole Man can easily use his monsters to take over!
SHUT UP! IT COULD WORK!
Actually, no. No it couldn’t. The Fantastic Four spends issue #89 in a fight that with Mole Man that takes waaaay longer than it should and carries over into issue #90 (making this possibly the longest battle with Mole Man ever). A family meeting is held, and plans are made to leave. In the meantime, Mole Man makes a sorry attempt to escape, and to everyone’s surprise, Reed lets him go. Why? In his own words:
Yes. You read that correctly. According to Reed Richard, Mr. Fantastic himself, the smartest, most brilliant man on the planet, “There’s actually no law against trying to conquer the planet.”
Ah, to go back those halcyon pre-9/11 days when armed only with a dream and an army of Moloids could stage a half-assed military take over of the entire world right on U.S. soil.
Such simpler times. Such simpler times, indeed.
