Back in the day, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic taught me two things; 1. How a video game could rival a movie in both presentation and story and, most importantly, 2. That I could hate a video game character more than I’ve ever hated any other character in any other medium.
Ever.
I picked up Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic because more than one trusted friend swore that it wasn’t just a solid Star Wars game, but a solid Star Wars story. One friend was even saying the story rivaled anything put to screen, including the entries from the original, Blessed Trilogy.
When someone you trust gives that kind of endorsement to a game, how can you not pick the damn thing up?
I fell in love almost immediately.
My friend was right. It was clear from the start that this Star Wars game was something special and it was mostly because of the story. Understand, this was a time when Star Wars fans were still reeling from the disappointment that was the prequels. We’d spent so long wanting new Star Warsstories that made us feel the way the original trilogy did, and the prequels failed in every way possible.
But Knights of the Old Republic?
It was everything so many of us had been starved for and much, much more.
It didn’t hurt that the characters were pretty phenomenal, too.
The members of my party all had distinct personalities and seemed unique and three-dimensional. By the time the game ended, I loved each and every one of them and felt like I’d just spent a significant part of my life flying from one end of the galaxy with them to the other.
From Bastila and Mission Vao to the murderous droid T3-M4 and the Mandalorian merc Canderous Ordo, I cherished my time with each and every one of them.
But fuck Carth Onassi.
Carth Onassi is a soldier for The Republic. He’s been fighting this war against The Sith for a while now, and he’s seen the devastation wrought by Darth Revan and Darth Malak and it’s clear from his introduction that the developers meant for Carth Onassis to be a noble, upright, virtuous Jiminy Cricket for your character.
After all, the game involves the player having the option to make evil decisions at every turn and Onassi is clearly there to try and sway you to make the good decision whenever possible.
That’s not really what he does, though.
No, what he does is bitch and moan.
About everything. Every. Thing. For 30 plus hours.
It starts from the moment you meet him. You’re both running around a strange planet, trying to find a missing Jedi Knight who it’s understood is more than a little important to The Republic’s war effort. In fact, it becomes clearer and clearer as you roam the city that the fate of the galaxy literally depends on you finding this woman. Truly, the Sith will win if you fail.
The stakes are set. The game is afoot. You, the player, are ready for your very own epic, epic space opera. And then, from out of no where, a message pops prompting you speak with Carth, that he looks like he has something on his mind. It even gives you a close up of his pensive face. So you talk to him.
And that’s where the bitching starts.
“I don’t like it here. I don’t trust Jedi Knights. I don’t trust you. I wish I were back home. My feet hurt. You look like a jerk. I’m hungry. Don’t steal that guy’s money. Can we leave now? I’m tired. No, I don’t want to talk anymore. You’re mean.”
It really is an immediate and almost constant barrage of complaints that runs through damn near the entirety of the game. I remember tolerating it at first, thinking, “Oh, this must be one of those relationships that starts with mistrust and builds towards friendship.” No. It doesn’t. It never, ever does.
Carth’s actual presence began affecting my enjoyment of the game. I just wanted to ditch the guy. Eventually, you’re given the option to, however, the first few hours of the game pretty much require that you never leave his site. Worst of all, every few minutes, he wants to talk. But not really. He just wants to bitch about not wanting to talk and how everyone is a terrible (except for him, of course). He is self righteous, he sanctimonious, he is whiney and he is annoying beyond annoying.
Now here’s the thing; that’s not what actually makes Mr. Onassi a terrible character. Like I said, he does serve a purpose in both your party and the game’s narrative. He’s there to sway you as a player to lean toward the light. There are other characters in the party pulling you toward the dark. It’s that kind of game and that’s the purpose he serves, as annoying as his execution may be.
His failure happens if and when you, the player, embraces The Dark Side. There comes definitive moment in the game when, despite spending the game performing good and/or evil, you have to actually commit to one side or the other. When this moment comes, should you choose evil, your character will then be required to kill a member of your party. And not just any member, but a child. Carth Onassi, bastion of virtue and goodness he is, voice of righteousness and justice, will be there every time giving you a ration of grief as to why you’re a piece of shit for committing to evil, for killing a child, for turning your back on The Republic and siding with the forces of evil.
Of course, he steps in to stop you from murdering a 13-year-old girl. Of course he steps up and says something cool like “not on my watch,” or “you’ll have to go through me first,” and then pulls a blasters and tries to put you down…
Except, no. He does none of those things.
He just runs away.
You move to kill a 13-year-old orphan and her kind Wookie friend, and after spending dozens of hours lecturing you about right and wrong, Carth Onassi essentially says “fuck this noise,” and bolts for the woods, probably to cry as he’s just realized he’s the worst video game character ever created.
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic is easily one of the greatest video games of all time. More than a decade on and games are still being made in its mold. Plus, my friend was right. To this day, I readily count it’s story second only to The Empire Strikes Back. It’s that good.
But God, do I hate Carth Onassi with the burning passion of a thousand white hot suns.
