So there I was, sitting across the table from Vladimir Putin at the underground Baccarat competition during the Sochi Games.
You see, this week I was fortunate enough to get ahold of the Forces of Geek press pass for the Olympic Games.
Well, by “get ahold of,” I mean swiping it from my editor’s pocket after a few whiskies at the local watering hole; but that’s just semantics.
Anyway, seeing as how I’ve never played Baccarat before, and the FOG! editor’s Rolex was on the table (something I also “got ahold of”), and I was already sloshed, things didn’t look too good.
Damn, I looked down at my cards: I’m holding a four of diamonds, a Uno green number six card, and a coupon for ½ off Mane and Tail shampoo.
That’s it, it’s over. I was going to lose everything and I have no idea how to explain to the editor that I lost his grandfather’s solid gold Rolex that was given to him by Winston Churchill after punching Hitler in the jaw.
That’s when I say something that changes the whole kit and caboodle, something that I say offhandedly all the time when I’m in a situation like this: “I am so dead they’re going to have to bury me twice…”
The room goes silent.
Suddenly, the strangest thing happens. Putin starts cracking up! He nudges the eye patch wearing guy holding a white Persian cat next to him, repeats the line, and now they’re both cracking up. Putin stands up, echoes the line and the entire room is rolling over in laughter. Putin grabs me in his arms, kisses me on my cheeks, and bellows, “AH! License to Drive! I love that movie!”
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| In retrospect, his watch was a dead giveaway. |
After he wipes the tears from his jovial face, his secret service ushers me to Putin’s private viewing room built adjacent to the Olympic Park that has an underwater view of the Black Sea.
Thus, I’ll begin my latest “Flashback to the Present” review: License to Drive.
1988’s License to Drive starred the “two Coreys” (Corey Haim and Corey Feldman) and Heather Graham.
It’s about a guy who flunks his driver’s ed test (Haim), but decides to take his grandfather’s 1972 Cadillac anyway to impress a super-hot, 18-year-old Heather Graham.
Come to think of it, if I had a shot with Heather Graham I’d probably swipe my grandfather’s car.
Maybe even my grandfather’s kidney.
In any case, hilarity ensues when he all sorts of easily preventable problems slowly destroy the car like getting it towed when Haim parks it in a No Parking section, Graham drunkenly dancing on the hood, etc.
Finally, after getting home and his dad Clark from The Thing chastises Haim, his mother, Granny from The Addam’s Family movie, goes into labor.
Fortunately, Haim is able to drive the car to the hospital. Unfortunately, the car can only drive in reverse.
Why didn’t they ask a neighbor for help instead of redlining the car backwards at 12mph?
They get to the hospital and Haim’s mother is safely taken inside; unfortunately, the car is completely destroyed when a girder falls from a crane and crushes the Cadillac. Somehow, Haim’s grandfather is cool with it and Haim is offered his dad’s BMW.
Haim, for some reason, turns it down and jumps into Graham’s car.
Whatever, buddy; it’s not like you need a car when your girlfriend has one. What a gigolo move…
I’ll never get the inexplicable love for “the two Coreys.” It’s not their ability as actors because they were pretty good for child-stars. I just never got the appeal of putting them in the same movie for one reason; they’re never really a duo.
In most of their movies together, one of them would be in the starring role and the other would be a part of an ensemble cast of supporting characters. This isn’t Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, or Farley and Spade; it was more like:
“Hey! Here’s a movie starring Corey.”
“But we want that other Corey in it.”
“Okay, then, throw him a supporting role as one of the best friends.”
However, overall, this is your typical light-hearted 80s teem movie. There’s really nothing bad about License to Drive, per say; it’s just that it’s so run-of-the-mill that it’s really easy to forget this one.
But here’s the weird thing: as much as I hate using the word “timeless” to describe this flick, it kind of applies. If you end up watching this movie, take a second and imagine instead of the two Coreys, you put in a pair of modern teenage actors saying the same lines and it totally works.
License to Drive really isn’t on my top picks for something to watch with a powerful world leader; hell, it isn’t even on my top list to watch with a bottle of Jack and a nostalgic itch that needs to be scratched.
But it is an alright flick to check out if you’re curious to watch Corey Haim at his Haimiest, you have a Netflix account and you already watched all the John Hughes movies.
