There’s a certain brand of geek who knows the phrases “Push the button, Frank” and “We got movie sign!” Those geeks also like to watch two robots and one of two guys talk through a movie.
These geeks would be right.
One this day in 1964, one of those two men was born in St Charles, IL. Michael J Nelson served as head writer on Mystery Science Theatre 3000 for 10 years, almost the entire run of the show. When original host and creator Joel Hodgeson decided to leave after five seasons, he picked Mike to take over for him on screen. A legacy was passed and not disappointed.
There are still fights over who was better, Joel or Mike. To be perfectly honest, I like both of them for different reasons. Joel is much sweeter and has (possibly) a more surreal sense of humor. Mike is more sardonic and is less of a prop comedian. Both were pretty deadpan and worked incredibly well with puppets.
Wait…did I say puppets? NO! Crow T Robot and Tom Servo are COMPLETELY REAL!! YOU SHUT UP!!
Anyway, here are five of the best episodes of MST3K. This list could seriously be about 50 items long. It was incredibly hard to narrow it down. (I might warn against the first season, though. The early public access days are a little hard to get through.)
It’s hard to really review an episode of MST3K. What I’ll really do is talk a little bit about the movie itself and then throw a little bit in about the episode itself. I don’t want to give away all of the best jokes, though.
By the way, the years after the titles are deciphered thusly: (original release/MST3K air date). I’ll also put the directors and writers of the original features.
Also, they didn’t really make trailers for this show, so here’s a link to EVERY EPISODE THAT THESE FOLKS COULD GET THEIR HANDS ON!
It’s Club MST3K and they’re awesome.
After the jump check out my Top 5 as well as the episodes themselves.
MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE (1966/1993)
Written and directed by Harold P Warren
I’m just gonna start with the granddaddy of them all. Manos: The Hands Of Fate is one of those movies that you never really think is a real movie. Oh, but it was. And it is. Legend has it that it was made by a Texas fertilizer salesman, and legend is absolutely right in this case. Harold P Warren never made another film, and the reason is easy to see. Padded with long stretches of driving and peopled by what can nicely be called non-actors, Manos is a messos. Just as awkward as its title in English (Hands: The Hands Of Fate), this movie can actually barely be said to have been “made.”
The less said about the “plot,” the better…almost. It has something to do with a young family showing up at a creepy old house in the middle of nowhere when their car breaks down. They first meet Torgo (John Reynolds who, sadly, killed himself not long after the movie was bashed in the local press), a satyr-like man who is followed by “the haunting Torgo’s Theme” wherever he goes. He also mumbles about how “The Master would not approve.” Then we meet The Master (Tom Neyman). Somehow, he’s even creepier.
Things do not get better from here. In fact, they get slower and more non-existent. Then the end hits and everyone feels dirty, hopefully including the actors.
Joel and the ‘bots are on fire in this episode. It could even be said that this is where the show “crossed over into the mainstream” if that could ever be said about this show. You wouldn’t think they would be able to do much with a movie that is about 60% silent driving scenes, but they manage it. In fact, there’s hardly a bum line in this one. It’s the one you show your non-MSTie friends
Torgo (played in the host scenes by Mike) would show up occasionally from here on out throughout the series. His theme was always welcome. In fact, it has a bit of a cult of its own with YouTube clips of it playing for hours on end.
SPACE MUTINY (1988/1997)
Directed by David Winters/Neal Sundstrom
Written by Maria Dante
This is a movie that harkens back to the days of cheap sci-fi with special effects that could have been done in my back yard. You know, the 80s.
Actually, as much as I hate to insult 40s sci-fi films, this movie reminds me of some of the really bad ones from those days. The story seems like it was written by someone who just didn’t give a damn about what they were doing. The costumes are outrageous and silly with pointy shoulders and weird spandex. The weapons are just laser guns with bad lasers.
I’ve seen this episode a few times and I really couldn’t tell you what the movie is about. A mutiny in space, I think. But the movie does star John Phillip Law, Cameron Mitchell (no, not JOHN Cameron Mitchell of Hedwig fame) and a whole bunch of other rather nameless people. The good guy (Reb Brown) runs around in tights while falling in love with his mom, er, a lady space explorer (Cisse Cameron) and they beat the mutineers (led by Law).
Mike and the ‘bots riff on the good guy’s muscle head physique is amazing. “Gristle McThornbody! Rip Steakface! Smash Lampjaw! Big McLargeHuge!” Also watch for the scene where the slow moving cart explodes and makes the driver comfortably jump from it.
It’s no wonder that the directors wanted their names taken off of it.
Also, this is absolutely the best of the Pearl years. Mary Joe Pehl took over for Trace Beaulieu (Dr Forrester and Crow) at the beginning of the season and finally came into her own right around here.
CITY LIMITS (1984/1992)
Directed by Aaron Lipstadt
Written by Aaron Lipstadt/Don Keith Opper/James Reigle
With stars like John Stockwell (director of Blue Crush, Into The Blue and Turistas), Rae Dawn Chong, Kim Cattrall and…James Earl Jones? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
I was gonna say, “How can you go wrong?” But JEJ has gone on record as saying that he would be in anything as long as there’s a paycheck involved. And I forgot to mention one minor actor who showed his face in this movie: Robby Effin’ Benson. Yep. The voice of The Beast is the “bad guy” in this movie. All he has to do is sit behind a desk. In fact, he seems to be in a completely different movie from the weird, post-apocalyptic mess that is going on outside of his office park.
The movie is actually about teenage biker gangs in a Mad Max-ian world. Jones is their…leader? Or something? It’s so hard to remember with all of the hilarity going on.
Dean Devlin (producer of such cinematic gems as Independence Day and One Million BC) and Kane Hodder (the best of the Jasons) also make brief appearances.
Back in the real world, Crow falls in love with Kim Cattrall (even writes a poem about her), Joel wants to keep the rain (and nudity) off of everyone in the theatre and Mike plays Morrissey.
MITCHELL (1975/1993)
Directed by Andrew V McLaglen
Written by Ian Kennedy Martin
I like Joe Don Baker. Really, I do. I think he’s a fine actor with many good performances under his belt.
Mitchell is crap.
Baker plays the titular tit who says that he’s a private eye. He’s an incredibly bad one, not to mention really sleazy. I think there’s a scene where he’s just woken up from a porn-filled sleep. I actually don’t know if that’s absolutely true or if it’s just what SEEMS like would have happened.
While he’s working his “magic,” he somehow manages to romance Linda Evans. I have no idea how that happens. She hates him and is absolutely disgusted by him…then she sleeps with him.
Oh, and Martin Balsam and John Saxon are also in the movie.
This is Joel’s last episode and he goes out with a bang. In fact, it was so much of a bang that Baker was PISSED. (And, granted, they did cut the movie up a bit to make it worse than it might be…I don’t know. I’ve never seen the full movie.) He said that if he ever saw the guys from the show, he would “kick their asses.” That’s when they decided to do Final Justice, a later JDB movie…and they really skewered him then.
Final Justice is also good (“Go head on!”), but Mitchell is damn near perfect.
WEREWOLF (1995/1998)
Directed by Tony Zarindast
Written by Brad Hornbacher/Tony Zarindast
The most recently made film ever MSTied, Werewolf is particularly bad.
It’s about a team of archeologists who find the remains of a werewolf in Arizona. One of the team cuts himself on it and turns into a werewolf. Another member decides to start turning more people into werewolves to study the effects.
Something like that. I remember Joe Estavez being in it.
Awesome riffs from beginning to end make this a real gem in Mike’s crown. Sam the Keeper gets all the laughs and Mike sings a song about his werewolf boyfriend…who died…in a horrible car crash.
Just trust me on this one even if I don’t have a lot to say about it. It’s hilarious and well worth your time.
What do you think, sirs?
