I’m fortunate enough to not have kids, but not fortunate enough to have been completely immune to the massive ad campaign for The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure.
Released on over 2,000 screens last Wednesday, this big budget bastard cousin of Teletubbies now holds the distinction for the worst box-office opening of all time, according to sources.
With an overall cost of nearly $60 Million, including marketing, the Oogieloves oogled an average audience of 2-3 people per theatre, which is astonishing considering the advertising spend, which included out-of-home buys in major markets.
But before TOITBBA (as it’s known in the Cosplay world) makes its way to DVD purgatory, I thought it might be fun to point out kiddie flicks of years past that some would argue make this clip remotely tolerable by comparison…
THE OOGIELOVES IN THE BIG BALLOON ADVENTURE (2012)
NUMBER OF SCREENS 2160
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $899,724 (something to keep in mind as you explore the following)…
THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE (1987)
Say what you will about The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure. At least its filmmakers based their movie on a hope and a dream, and not on a series of banned trading cards. As much as we loved their cardboard counterparts, this big-screen mutation available now on Netflix Instant Streaming is just about unwatchable. Just about. John Carl Buechler (Ghoulies, Troll) designed the nightmare-inducing effects/costumes. It’s not his shining moment.
OPENING NUMBER OF SCREENS 374
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $1.6 Million
SUPER BABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2 (2004)
Should-Be Impressive Facts… * Stars Oscar winner Jon Voight. * Last movie directed by Bob Clark (A Christmas Story & Black Christmas) * The budget for this thing was $20 Million. * No actual babies were harmed in the making of this film. * No actual geniuses were consulted in the making of this film.
NUMBER OF SCREENS 1,276
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $9.2 Million
PINOCCHIO IN OUTER SPACE (1965)
This Belgian import features some fairly impressive/fairly groovy animation, but that’s where the magic ends. This head-trip of a “kiddie-film” features some intense outer-space settings and strays demonically distant from the original tale. Forgotten by most, it’s gained a cult following with adults. Some of them even remember being scared to death by it as a kid.
It remains one of the more curious Golden Turkey Award Winners.
BOX OFFICE STATS UNKNOWN
MAC & ME (1988)
Sponsored in part by McDonald’s, and blatantly stolen from E.T. a mere 6 years after its release, Mac & Me is probably best known for two clips that made their way to YouTube legend: The Hip-Hop Dance Sequence That Comes Out Of Nowhere At McDonald’s (which if you ask me is just brilliant ballsy product placement and the following snippet that tends to follow Paul Rudd to Conan O’Brien late at night.
NUMBER OF SCREENS 1314
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $6.4 Million
SMURFS AND THE MAGIC FLUTE (1983)
Although it took eight years to be released in the United States, this originally Belgian feature film was a big deal after the success of Hanna-Barbera’s take on the Smurfs for Saturday Morning television. At the time of its release, SATMF was the highest grossing non-Disney production in history. It’s record would be shattered by a slightly more unbearable feature – The Care Bears Movie in 1985. Pun intended.
NUMBER OF SCREENS 432
TOTAL US BOX OFFICE GROSS $11 Million
ANYTHING from Producer K. Gordon Murray
Known for taking foreign films into distribution in the United States with badly redubbed voices and narration, K. Gordon Murray was the poor kid’s Walt Disney at the matinee double feature. Most legendary for the surreal Santa Claus known to a new generation of audiences with the added commentary of the Mystery Science Theater gang. It’s my pick from the many fairy tales he imported.
An upcoming documentary can only mean the Tim Burton biopic can’t be far behind…
Got an unwatchable KIDDIE FILM that ranks in your worst? Tweet it to @ForcesofGeek or add to the comments here!
