There are movies I remember watching on cable as a child that, in my mind, were epic films that held my attention for what seemed hours upon hours.
Every storyline, whether main or minor, seemed like a movie unto itself.
Scenes replayed in my head in all of their magnificence, me whispering, “Oh, I love this part!” while sitting in the theater of my mind.
Everyone else in the theater (more versions of me) agrees and applauds at every line delivered from the screen.
Memories of movies are sometimes better left alone.
Re-watching one such movie, Disney’s The Last Flight Of Noah’s Ark, left me incredibly disappointed.
My memory of this movie was in complete contrast to the actual film.
At 97 minutes, it was no closer to being considered an epic than a pizza commercial. The storyline was neither Homeric nor Shakespearean.
If anything, it was almost Ambien!
Upon re-watching this movie, I was so baffled by what I saw that I actually did a search to find out whether or not there had ever existed a 7-hour, adventure-filled epic. I thought that maybe I had just found the edited TV version–that maybe I wasn’t remembering wrong.
This was the only version. This meant that I now had the difficult task of letting down a theater full of Me’s (and they don’t take getting let down well). We’re going to need some crisis hotline operators STAT!
Actual plot summary:
A jaded pilot named Noah Dugan (Elliott Gould) is unemployed and owes a large amount of money due to his gambling. He goes to an old friend named Stoney (Vincent Gardenia) who owns an airfield.
So, the hero of the film is a gambler (a very, very hairy gambler) that apparently really sucks at gambling. ‘…old friend named Stoney.’ Made in 1980, this film must have been hoping this name would make the teens in the audience giggle.
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| “Heh heh. Stoney. Get it?” “Hey, those Disney guys, they’re alright.” |
He is offered a job flying a cargo of animals to a remote South Pacific island aboard a B-29 bomber. Bernadette Lafleur (Genevieve Bujold) is the prim missionary who accompanies him.
Wait a minute! A very (very) hairy gambler who smokes cigars is on a flight with a prim missionary?! These two can’t possibly be compatible. Oh man, the personality clash alone is going to cause an explosion!
Bernadette has raised the animals at an orphanage and is close to two of the orphans–Bobby and Julie (Ricky Schroeder and Tammy Lauren). The two children cannot bear to part with their beloved animals and stow away aboard the bomber as it takes off.
Orphans are lucky. They get to climb aboard all of the retired WWII aircrafts they want to without a couple of square parents telling them that hiding in the landing gear will crush them to death when the wheels are retracted. Stupid parents.
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| The gang learns that Tug O’ War doesn’t work when all four are on the same side. |
During the flight, the plane goes off course and Dugan is forced to crash land on an uncharted island. While on the island, the group meets two elderly Japanese holdout soldiers who have lived there alone for 35 years.
Um… if the Japanese military knew of this island, I think, at that point, it should no longer be considered uncharted. It was on someone’s chart. Those two guys didn’t just spring up out of the ground as a result of the Japanesitus Soldieremerut Stereotypollis seed.
Am I wrong on this?
At first Noah and the others are treated as enemies as the soldiers are unaware that World War II is over. However, Bernadette wins their friendship and trust and the men propose to turn the plane into a boat to sail back to civilization.
Two things here:
First, if these two Japanese soldiers are resourceful enough to build such a craft, then why haven’t they attempted to repair their radio and, you know, contact their superiors who would have informed them that not only was WWII over, but it was now a viable movie genre?
Second, sure, Bernadette and Noah inform the men that the war is over, but never once do they mention Nagasaki or Hiroshima. Willful omission is the same as lying, Bernadette and Noah, especially in this situation. So, these two men have to return to Japan to find out that a plane not all that different from the one they just turned into a boat had dropped an Atomic bomb on their country. Twice.
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| “I am looking forward to seeing Hiroshima again. I bet it’s really changed!” |
Maybe their revenge on Noah was supposed to be a darker sequel? The Last Breath Of Noah’s Decapitated Head.
In the meantime Noah and Bernadette (or ‘Bernie’ as he calls her) fall in love.
Of course they do.
I’m guessing this is what eventually led to the popular matchmaking site hairygamblersandprudishmissionaries.com
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| “I’ve fallen madly in love you, only adult female character.” “You complete me, the male lead.” |
Bernie paints the logo “Noah’s Ark” on the converted boat-plane. The animals are also brought on board at Bobby’s urging. Bobby resents Dugan at first, but the two eventually develop a close bond, especially after Dugan saves Bobby’s life when the boy falls overboard while fishing for sharks.
Many adult-child mentoring relationships have begun with one rescuing the other while shark fishing. This was a smart move on the part of director Charles Jarrott to include this scene because, well, who can’t relate to this?
Shark fishing! It’s a no-brainer.
In the end, the characters are rescued by a United States Coast Guard cutter.
Psst, hey, Coast Guard. You should probably ix-nay on the ombing-bay of pan-jay with an uclear-nay om-bay.
The ending of the film shows Noah and Bernadette being married and then embracing the orphans as their own children.
Having known one another for upwards of days, it is no surprise that their inevitable long-term relationship should begin with a marriage. No sex outside of marriage, not even for missionaries and very (very) hairy gamblers.
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| Because blond-haired, blue-eyed orphans couldn’t find home. Riiiiight. |
The scope of this film, as seen through the lens of my childhood eyes, was huge. In reality, it wasn’t that big, complicated or, if I’m being honest, even that good. It’s an okay movie, but it was not the Ben Hur that I remember it being.
What’s the lesson here?
Well, if there is a movie that you remember fondly, one that was engrossing to you as a child, don’t re-watch it as an adult.
Dispelling all of those memories is borderline child abuse to the younger you.
Don’t do it.
