PHANTOM (review)

Review by Caitlyn Thompson

Phantom was almost offensively awful. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the first throng of ominous bass tones.

There is no back-story; we don’t care about the initial mission conversation that is bland and unimportant. Sailors who have just come home have to leave again for a secret mission. Every one is upset. Boo f!#$ing hoo.

The movie is grossly predictable and unoriginal, a failed version of The Hunt for Red October. And the only Russian aspects featured in the film are the names. Do not be fooled by a recognizable cast consisting of Ed Harris, David Duchovny, and William Fichtner.

These actors were spewing a poor script in a cramped setting that was boring. The movie isn’t even laughably terrible. It was just bad.

Ed Harris is great. Give me a scary glass eyed mobster in History of Violence, or a romantic husband in Stepmom, anything but a broken, drunk captain. Stereotype is a large understatement. Aw he’s sweating and drinking and hallucinating about his tragic past. What me to call the waaambulance? Sniffle sniffle. The flashbacks were unrevealing and obnoxious. Come on Ed, you’re better than that.

Poor comrade, he just wanted to retire and chill out with his really really young looking wife.

Perfectly sensible. Did Mulder really need to take his ship?

Mr. Duchovny. Go back to humping young Hollywood ladies in Californication. Without your one-day unshaved mug spouting witty one-liners for the sake of being old and adorable, you aren’t very entertaining.

I can’t take you seriously in a tank top with zero wit or expression. If anyone could scare me as a rogue nuclear war starter it’s NOT you. And, uh oh, his little sidekick has a gun, watch out good sailors!  

OooOOoooh scary.

Nope. Not at all.

William Fichter. I like you. I like you in Armageddon, and I like you in The Perfect Storm. I don’t like you in a submarine. Hmm, you say these strange men on your boat might be up to no good? No s#$! Sherlock. What a waste.

The only positive thing I gained from this film was perspective on generational fears in movies. Three to five decades ago, productions such as this were gripping and scary. Nowadays there is no imminent threat of Soviet nuclear war, therefore all poignancy is completely lost. Kathryn Bigelow is creating the films that are realistically scary and thought provoking for this generation. Movies like The Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty strike our hearts as the threats are still tangible.

Invisible submarines…not so much. 

I mapped the entire film before it even began. The only thing I couldn’t predict was just how cringe-worthy the ending was. We all know how the story goes but my god—spoiler alert—seriously?

Ghosts? Are you kidding me? I sniggered aloud and thought to myself, ‘WOW, didn’t think it could get any worse.’

Wrong. Phantom only exists as just that, a phantom in my mind that I am longing quickly to forget.

The redeeming quality: it’s only an hour and half long.