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Those Crazy Globes
What You Missed…

I love when you come into the office the day after an Awards show and everyone wants to ask “what did you think of them?”  

Or being “that guy” in the office that sees every movie and watches his fair share of television, I get the question more than others in the office.

So, for this morning I typed up the following recap of last night’s Golden Globe awards to both catch anyone up that missed it, and give them my own special personal opinion on the matter.

Mel GIbson, Robert Downey Jr.,rehab, Golden Globes

  • Seconds before the awards started, you can see Robert Downey, Jr whispered to Mel Gibson very clearly “behave yourself, sugar tits.”  Seriously, rewind your DVR in slow-mo.  This happened.
  • Tina Fey and Amy Peohler KILLED with their opening monologue.  Hysterical, and Tina was wise to give the best material to Amy, as it worked to their strengths.  Beautiful comedy.
  •  Leo was the best looking at the awards by far.  He’s grown up a lot and looks to be at least 17 or 18 years of age by now.
  •  Quentin Tarantino took the Globe for screenplay and thanked the people that read his drafts and give him input, even though he gets all the credit.  No, thank YOU, Quentin.  
  • Maggie Smith won for Downton Abbey, but couldn’t be there to accept the award in person because she’s rather old, and it’s quite past her bedtime.
  • Downton Abbey proved itself to be so good that it can win awards while airing new episodes on a competing channel.  
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones proved she’s no Susan Boyle by singing a few bars of I Dreamed a Dream.
Golden Globes, trophy wife
  •  The President of the HFP came out, made some really strange remark to the cameras panning the audience so that viewers could see there are celebrities there, then seemed to reiterate that when the cameras didn’t pan to the audience.  Other than that, she’s adorable and I want to adopt her.
  •  Paul Rudd and Salma Hayek got caught like deer in headlights as the teleprompter betrayed them halfway into their intro.  Salma’s head almost exploded like that dude in Scanners, but Paul Rudd did his best improv even after one of the bad jokes that had been written for him.  When asking his co-presenter, “what category are we doing,” Salma reminded him “something about the Best something or other.”
  • Another malfunction of tech, and this time with the real CIA guy from Argo.  Go figure.
  • Adele won for Best Song, and became the least proper British person to go on stage that evening.  Master of the House.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone,Golden Globes, Expendables, Rocky, Rambo, Terminator

  • Costner proved he’s hot again by winning for Best Actor in a Miniseries or Movie.  Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger on the other hand caused the largest sudden drop in ratings for an awards program in television history.  The ratings went up as soon as their presentation for Best Foreign Language Film was over and it was safe to return to NBC.
  • President Clinton came out in support of Lincoln, which ultimately didn’t help it’s mojo for Best Picture, but did provide plenty of quotable lines for the next Oscar FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION ads.
  • About this time into the Broadcast, Tommy Lee Jones started to lose significant blood sugar and everyone was given a huge box of Godiva chocolates.  It didn’t help Tommy Lee Jones, who is still in method preparation for the lead role in Grumpy Cat 3D.
Tommy Lee Jones
  • Jeremy Irons returned the British person speaking at an award-show poise back to proper levels for the evening.
  • Brave took home the award for Best Animated Film, much to the surprise of Pixar.  For a change.  At home, Randy Newman cursed everyone involved with the project for not letting him write the love theme: Mamma, You’re A Big Bear Now.
  • Robert Downey Jr presented an award to Jodie Foster.  And fake hamsters, of which one Jodie tried to nibble on.  I’m not sure what to make of that.
  • Jodie Foster came out that she’s not Honey Boo Boo child, just in case there was any confusion.
  • Privacy became the new Gay.
  •  Ben Affleck and George Clooney came out and announced their marriage.  
Girls. Lena Dunham, HBO

  • Girls won for Television Comedy, ensuring that every girl I hate in New York City under 30 will act like this for at least 5 more years.
  • Daniel Day Lewis delivered an acceptance speech approximately 5 minutes longer than “Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln” and 30 times less animated.
  • Argo wins for Best Picture, Drama.  This is the Hollywood version of “make up sex” for not giving a Globe to The Town.
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