‘The Dark Tower’ (review)

Produced by Akiva Goldsman,
Ron Howard, Erica Huggins
Screenplay by Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner,
Anders Thomas Jensen, Nikolaj Arcel
Based on The Dark Tower by Stephen King
Directed by Nikolaj Arcel
Starring Idris Elba, Matthew McConaughey,
Tom Taylor, Claudia Kim, Fran Kranz,
Abbey Lee, Jackie Earle Haley

Both Sony and director Nikolaj Arcel (A Royal Affair) have “forgotten the face of their father” in adapting The Dark Tower.

What should have been an epic world-building introduction to Stephen King’s magnum opus seems to have devolved into what plays like a failed 90-minute television pilot. Because for an epic to thrive it needs to be…well…EPIC!

And it starts out sounding kinda epic:

The last Gunslinger, Roland Deschain (Idris Elba), has been locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim, also known as the Man in Black (Matthew McConaughey), determined to prevent him from toppling the Dark Tower, which holds the universe together. With the fate of the worlds at stake, good and evil will collide in the ultimate battle as only Roland can defend the Tower from the Man in Black.

Instead, everything about The Dark Tower screams WE’RE ON A BUDGET SINCE WE DON’T KNOW IF THIS WILL ACTUALLY WORK AT THE BOX OFFICE BECAUSE OUR SCRIPT SUCKS AND MCCONAUGHEY HASN’T SEEMED THIS BORED SINCE THE PRESS TOUR FOR FAILURE TO LAUNCH!

Sony flat out needed to go for it. Maybe not John Carter of Mars go for it, but at least commit to the fact that this could be your studio’s The Lord of the Rings and not The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. Unfortunately what we end up with is the CliffsNotes version of a screenplay directed by the lowest bidder.

Budget and scale aside, there’s not an ounce of weight to the proceedings. Teen protagonist Jake Chambers is either going to help prevent The Dark Tower from falling or be the cause of it, dragging the only surviving Gunslinger (think The Last Jedi) from an alternate earth, who seems to have given up on life, into the fight. They tell us the stakes are high, but we never feel them for a single second. Ultimately robbing us of a few potentially heartfelt moments that would have gone a long way toward our investment in these characters. But alas…

While Idris Elba and Tom Taylor, as the Gunslinger and Jake respectively, do have something at least resembling chemistry, it’s Matthew McConaughey, as the Man in Black, who feels like he’s sleepwalking through someone else’s movie. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he wasn’t this dull. And for a character who already appears to be godlike in his control over people, what could possibly be his motivation for unleashing the monsters that will consume the universe if the Tower crumbles. He’s not suicidal, so maybe he’s looking for a challenge?

If you’re looking for one, go see The Dark Tower.