The 89th Academy Awards RANT!

The time is 4:45 and I’m at my Homegirl Claire’s apartment (she’s got a big screen TV with stereo sound) where we’ve just begun to drink and have a nosh.

We just turned on E! (Where I’m sure they’ve been at it since noon east coast time) and what do we see…it’s ROSS, the funny Queen who owes Jay Leno his career – remember when he made fun of him on The Tonight Show? He was “Ross The Intern” back then, fat, insecure, somewhat closeted, and seemingly very clueless.

BUT LOOK AT HIM NOW, he’s thin, living his life, and in a designer tux from head to toe, and giggling through it all, GOOD FOR YOU ROSS, you’ve come a long way baby!

Oh shit, here he is with some young gal, killing time in the worst way…creating an Oscar acceptance speech via a MAD LIB (someone get Fallon on the line!)

Ugh, the result

MIND NUMBING

Oh boy…A FASHION SEGMENT!

It’s the blonde girl again, with Brad what’s-his-face from the Rachel Zoe reality show, AND the very interesting Makeup Artist, Jeffrey Star. They’re wonking on and on about some Drag that Brad picked, and the makeup Jeffrey did to match.

YAWN

Okay, I’m gonna get something to eat now. And I might need some booze.

Okay,

We are back, and so is Ryan Seacrest!

THE STARS ARE ARRIVING ON THE RED CARPET!

This stopped me in my tracks

Apparently she just gave birth to triplets yesterday, or a few weeks ago.

This is how she used to look…

More fashion, Fashion, FASHION!

Janelle Monae!

Great dress but PUT A DAMNED BRA ON!

Dakota Johnson

The hair is HORRID, and the dress…horrific!

Busy Phillips

Interesting dress

Casey Affleck, skid row bum

OH MY GOD,

HALLE BERRY

Michelle Williams

Is she trying to look transparent on purpose?

Lara Spencer from Good Morning America…did she let a 6 year old girl braid her hair?

JEEBUS, it’s 8:07 pm, the vodka is wearing off.

Okay, it’s 8:27.

Waiting waiting waiting

Okay, Justin Timberlake opens the show with his song from Trolls – nice.

Jimmy Kimmel’s opening monologue was pretty zingy

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
MAHERSHALA ALI!
MOONLIGHT

BEST MAKEUP
SUICIDE SQUAD

BEST COSTUMES
FANTASTIC BEASTS

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
OJ SIMPSON, MADE IN AMERICA
Bummed Ava didn’t win.

SOUND EDITING
ARRIVAL

SOUND MIXING
HACKSAW RIDGE

Its 9:30 and I’m exhausted

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
VIOLA DAVIS!
FENCES!

They gave her a standing ovation!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
THE SALESMAN

The winner couldn’t be here because of the ban instituted by the 45th President.

The woman who accepted it for him read his great statement.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT
PIPER

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
ZOOTOPIA

PRODUC...oh hell, you don’t care – time for another drink.

Oh we’re back!

Kimmel is doing a lame stunt from his show – a tour bus of unsuspecting rubes were let in the show and walked down the front, meeting Denzel, Halle and her wigs, Meryl, and others…YAWN

Oh, here’s a bunch of film clips of French people talking about American cinema and how great film is.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
THE JUNGLE BOOK

FILM EDITING
HACKSAW RIDGE

the time is now 10:36

I’m half asleep

It’s 10:58

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
LA LA LAND

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
LA LA LAND

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
LA LA LAND

Oh, Jennifer Aniston – announcing the Death Parade.

She really needs to do something with her hair…HEY JENNIFER, MARSHA BRADY CALLED, SHE WANTS HER HAIR BACK!

It was short, with more people you don’t know (Makeup Artists, Cinematographers, etc.) than those you did (Prince, Debbie & Carrie, Gene Wilder)

Odd.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
MANCHESTER BY THE SEA

Well, it’s official – La La Land has been “snubbed” I guess.

MEAN TWEETS!

Hysterical!

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
MOONLIGHT!

Great speech!

Oh, here’s something funny – Matt Damon went on with Ben to announce an award and they GOT PLAYED OFF by Kimmell in front of the orchestra, hahaha!

Okay, FINALLY, THE BIG AWARDS

BEST DIRECTOR
DAMIEN CHAZELLE
LA LA LAND

BEST ACTOR
CASEY AFFLECK

BEST ACTRESS
EMMA STONE

BEST PICTURE
LA LA LAND

It’s 12:09 am

The show is over

See ‘ya next year!

WAIT

HOLY SHIT

MOONLIGHT WON!

Okay, so Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway are announcing Best Picture, La La Land…

Everyone claps, the director, cast, etc all all go to the stage -the producer starts to give the acceptance speech, after a minute or so, random guys with headset mics start walking around on the stage – people with Oscars in their hands are looking confused…the second guy is giving his speech, and I see a guy snatch an envelope from Warren, lots of confusion, then I hear,

“Sorry, there’s been a mistake – Moonlight won”

HOLY SHIT!

People’s faces are CRACKED AND ON THE GROUND, gobsmacked and shocked – LOTS OF CONFUSION!

Then Warren is about to explain what happened…here, just watch the videos (thank you Claire for having a DVR!)

I’m still shocked and wondering who’s ass is being handed to them right now, WHOAAAA!

Get Price Waterhouse on the line!

Okay, now it’s REALLY OVER.

Oh, don’t forget to look at this when you have a chance… @HalleBerryHair

SEE YOU IN 2018!