THE 87th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS – RANT!

By DJ Crystal Clear

This is the one time I miss not having cable, because I would have been watching E! since 9 this morning, but whatever – now I’m CRINGING while watching ABC’s “OTRC AT THE OSCARS” which is HORRIBLE.



They’ve got some D-list interviewers (including the model Roshumba Williams – where has she been?) throwing the creampuff questions at the stars in their designer drag, and the questions are mind-numbingly DUMB

.

Here’s one – “Uh, that dress, I mean gown is really great…who is it?”



Yeah, I’m ready to fall asleep.


 
It’s 7:00, and now they’ve got ANOTHER red carpet show “OSCARS OPENING CEREMONY, LIVE FROM THE RED CARPET” with Robin Roberts, Lara Spencer, Michael Strahan, along with some other blonde from GMA, Sara Haines and People Magazine Editorial Director Jess Cagle and EW fashion editor Joe Zee. 

Looks like its raining there.



Felicity Jones – great dress!

Lupita KNOCKS IT OUT OF THE PARK AGAIN!

Calvin Klein, custom, 6,000 pearls HAND STITCHED. WHAT.
 
J-Lo. What kind of tape are you using on your boobs?

Julianne Moore – interesting choice…

YAY, my pizza is here!



Oh, there’s Bumpershoot Cucumberglitch! Off white tux jacket, bright white shirt, black bowtie and pants. Hmmm… Bentobox Buttersnatch

.

What the hell happened to Tim McGraw? And hey, Faith Hill…Mia Farrow called she wants her haircut back!



Lady Gaga. Honey, you have a LOT OF MONEY – your wig game needs tightening…call Beyonce ASAP, she NEVER looks busted.

FINALLY, THE SHOW!

8:31 – Live from Hollywood and Highland (I used to live a few blocks from there in 1985), NEIL PATRICK HARRIS!

“Welcome to the Oscars tonight we honor the best and the Whitest – uh the brightest!”



BOOM!

The opening musical number is great – JACK BLACK “SCREENS IN OUR JEANS!”



Well NPH crushed it!



Here’s Lupita to present the BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR…
Robert Duvall
, Ethan Hawke, 
Edward Norton, 
Mark Ruffalo, 
J.K. Simmons
 and the winner is…

J.K. SIMMONS – Gee, he’s come a long way from Law & Order and Oz!



And the first nominated song.

Maroon 5. Adam Levine was in the movie? I don’t remember what they said the movie was…and I don’t care, now that I’ve heard two minutes of this song.

BEST DRAG – MILENA CANONERO for THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL – her 4th Oscar! If you haven’t seen that movie, do yourself a favor and watch it!



BEST MAKEUP & WIGS – THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL! – Frances Hannon and a man who’s name I couldn’t catch fast enough.



John Singleton in the audience. Where has he been?

 
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – IDA from Poland. The Director was this year’s Roberto Benigni with that speech.

Holy shit – the performance for “Everything Is Awesome” nominated song. Samberg and his crew, Tegan & Sara, oh shit, there’s my homeboy Ahmir dressed as Robin!

Okay, I missed some stuff – best live action movie and some other things. Anyway, we’re back and NPH is walking the hall in his underwear. He’s onstage in his tighty-whiteys

Oh for fuck’s sake – I’m so sick of these broads and the no bras. Seriously.

Looks like Lupita took her brother again. Dawwwwwwwww… 


Sound Design and Sound Editing – that movie about the drummer, and American Sniper. 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
 – Patricia Arquette, 
Laura Dern
, Keira Knightly
, Emma Stone
, Meryl Streep…

 …and the winner is…PATRICIA ARQUETTE! 

Hey Patricia, Norma Rae called, she wants her speech back!



Oy, another nominated song, Rita Ora. Why does that name sound familiar?

Wait wasn’t she the chick nobody knew, who was nearly naked on the red carpet last year at The Grammys? Holy shit, I think that’s her!

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS – INTERSTELLAR. Wow it beat out X-Men, Captain America, and the movie with the smart-assed raccoon in it.

I see feathers falling around – I think Lady Gaga is coming on soon



BEST ANIMATED SHORT – FEAST! 

BEST ANIMATED FILM – BIG HERO 6
 

PRODUCTION DESIGN – GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL – and they should have won, it was AMAZING!

And now, the people who died. And the sad song, by Jennifer Hudson.

 

Naomi Watts – your “dress” – it tripped you gurl!

Terrence Howard – what the fuck is wrong with you?

Is the teleprompter messed up? You’re a terrible ad-libber, yow!



Jennifer Aniston – great dress!

 

BEST DOCUMENTARY – CITIZENFOUR

 

Damn it’s 10:50!



John Legend & Common, performing “Glory” I cried my eyes out.

“Benedict Cumberbatch, that’s what you hear when John Travolta says Ben Affleck” – a great Zinger from NPH – then here comes Idina Menzel…AND JOHN TRAVOLTA!

His lace-front game is TIGHT!



BEST SONG – GLORY! COMMON AND JOHN LEGEND WON AN OSCAR!
 (John Stevens & Lonnie Lynn) I’m crying my eyes out. Oh, there’s Okrah! Good drag – but I’m wondering what’s with the Silly Putty color being so popular tonight

Lady Gaga. Singing The Sound Of Music. Why are her wigs always so shitty?

And now Julie Andrews comes out? Holy shit! 


Celebrating things that happened 50 years ago we went from Selma to The Sound Of Music in one fell swoop.

BEST SCORE – THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL! 

Oh, Eddie Murphy!

Presenting the 
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY – BIRDMAN

 

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – THE IMITATION GAME – that kid gave a great speech! “Stay weird, stay different”


Shit it’s 11:35

BEST DIRECTOR – ALEJANDRO G. INARRITU



I think I’m still in love with Ed Norton. Damn he’s hot. He stays hot.

BEST ACTOR – EDDIE REDMAYNE! I guess contorting yourself trumps being an old favorite.

I think this kid is having a conniption fit!

BEST ACTRESS – JULIANNE MOORE



BEST PICTURE – Here’s Sean Penn to present the award. He’s the love of Madonna’s life, she’s said so many times. Like a Modern day Joe and Marilyn those two.



Annnnnd the winner isssssss…BIRDMAN



Well that’s the end, thank goodness.

Let’s hope that from now on, we get to see more Black, Asian, Native American, Indian, and other people of color, gender, physical capabiities, etc. being nominated and winning.

Shit.

It’s 12:08 am I have a video shoot tomorrow so I have to get some sleep!



See ‘ya around!



Love,
Crystal