SUMMER HEAT

By Bridey Elliott

When you hear the word “summer” you IMMEDIATELY think about the “Thong Song” by Sisqo or maybe going to the beach, but once July hits I tend to think about staying inside and wishing the sun would go get an erection in a public place and never show its face again.

The heat can be mighty oppressive especially for a gal galloping and gallivanting around New York City, where the humidity is so thick you can barely see the buttocks walking in front of you.

I myself have reached my limit of Vitamin D and would graciously trade a dark claustrophobic closet over this sweaty weather that makes my private parts cringe.

Rainy days are the most calming, when the earth is benevolently saturated, and all soil replenished.

On days like that, I am a grown woman in a candy store. However, this month has been a toughie. I long for more storms, and to not have to wear such little clothing.

I have some tips for what you can do instead of going outside and letting the sun burn you like the evil bitch that she is.

Netflix! No big brainer there! You can watch anything from steamy romances to cartoons and you won’t get skin cancer while doing it.

Just EAT whatever you can find in your fridge. Taco shells, beans, stale Oreos…so be it. There will be no outdoor dining for you! HAHA!

READ! Whoever told you, you needed to sit on a park bench and get seen reading to actually read was a loathsome liar. There are plenty of cozy corners in your own home to sit in with a knife and a good book.

KEEP YOUR FLAB on your body. This will discourage you even more from leaving the house and letting it all hang out, but DO let it all hang out in the privacy of your own home. I, myself, am only wearing kitchen appliances right now.

Finally, never allow ANYONE to know your whereabouts! If they find out, then they will try at any measure to get you out of the house. You will be tempted, but don’t be fooled, you would rather drink fecal matter than leave your home, I promise.

There, you have it. I am braced for the backlash of having superbly strong and valid opinions, but the ultimate decision is yours.

Bridey Elliott is an actress and comedian living in New York City. She watches movies constantly and IS afraid to tell it like it is. Follow her on Twitter and check her out on Funny or Die.