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Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen:
SAVAGES — Pot Growers Misplace Shared Girlfriend

A woman in an open relationship with two pot growers. This sounds like a Cosmopolitan article or a new Cheech and Chong film.

Nonetheless such a lusty troika sits at the heart of Oliver Stone’s latest picture, a tale of drugs, murder, revenge, and a misplaced woman.

Based on a novel by Don Winslow, sharing screen credit with Shane Salerno and Stone, the movie chronicles the deeds of two independent pot growers. Chon (Taylor Kitsch) and Ben (Aaron Johnson) buck a Mexican drug cartel.

Breaking the glass ceiling, Elena (Salma Hayek) heads up the nasty mob targeting the duo for refusing to partner with them.

To hurt Chon and Ben, Elena knows she must take what they love most.

Nevertheless, Elena ignores their bong collection and kidnaps O (Blake Lively), the woman they both share. But the cartel queen soon learns that intimidating Chon and Ben will be difficult.

For one thing, they are too stoned to notice and accidentally erase a video saying O is a captive.

In fact, O is not missed for weeks, each partner assuming she’s “crashing” with the other.

Meanwhile O finds herself tormented by Elena’s arch thug, the diabolical Lado (Benecio del Toro), who makes burbling noises into a sippy cup at dinner. Finally, unable to threaten the pot-growing pair, Elena bribes O: convince her lovers to cooperate and she’ll buy O more letters so she may build a proper name.

Eventually, Chon and Ben realize O has been kidnapped. They stop eating Doritos and watching Adventure Time.  Before you know it, the film is awash in shootings, explosions, and all-around violence followed by graphic images of cigarette smoking.

Rumors from the set have not been kind to Oliver Stone.

According to an unnamed source, “He changed his directing style to imitate political idol Fidel Castro. His [Stone’s] production meetings turned into political harangues that lasted hours. And we’d have to clap the whole time. I think the nerves in my palms are damaged.”

In addition, Stone introduced a revolutionary system to the craft services table.

Stars and director ate delicious catered meals while the crew and extras were fed hay and yams. The production schedule was hopelessly fouled up by periodic rallies while the slightest criticism of Stone was met by imprisonment inside a Port-o-Potty.

Olesya Grushko was refreshingly energetic in her performance as an uncredited Sun Worshiper.

Three stars for making a violent remake of Up in Smoke.

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