Reviews of Films I Have Never Seen:
TOTAL RECALL – Three-Jugged Woman Fails to Save Forgettable Remake

Director Len Wiseman’s cluttered film explores what’s literally on your mind.

Among a mound of other issues, Wiseman cinematically examines the consequences of erasing minds, swapping out thoughts, and springing an outlaw gang from jail as Indians gather to attack.

Modeled on a story by Phillip K. Dick, this retooling of Paul Verhoeven’s 1990 effort follows the adventures of dissatisfied factory worker Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell).

Despite a smoking hot wife (Kate Beckinsale), Quaid wants more: he craves really cool memories.

Enter Rekall, a company that supplies you awesome fake recollections of being a world-class athlete, a super spy, Meat Loaf.

But the procedure goes terribly askew.

Quaid suddenly finds himself with the memories of a top-level bureaucrat in the Government Services Administration. He is no longer capable of answering anyone directly.

Moments later, a SWAT Team pounces, weapons pointed.

Astoundingly, the factory worker kills them all.

Now pursed by ruthless world leader Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), Quaid must reconcile his surprising combat skills with an inability to cough up a straight answer to the simplest of questions.

(Waitress: Hungry?)

(Quaid: I’d like to answer that, but it could compromise an ongoing investigation by the Office of Personnel Management. Perhaps you could leave food here and I could leave money, but that would in no way implicate me in any alleged desire to ingest nutrition.)

Eventually, Quaid teams up with a three-breasted rebel fighter (Jessica Biel) as they seek out the underground resistance in order to stop Cohaagen and overturn the paternalistic tyranny of a two breast-centric society.

Screenwriters Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback were determined to break new ground and sadly succeeded, basing much of their script on a 1963 Audie Murphy vehicle, Gunfight at Comanche Creek. But Wiseman failed to exercise proper editorial control resulting in a cumbersome sub-plot of freeing outlaws from jail to commit crimes, then turning them in for the reward when it grew high enough. These scenes felt shoehorned into a science fiction venue set in 2084.

The funny buckboard chase didn’t help matters.

Between Quaid’s verbal dodging and the gunfights and the three-breasted woman, I fell into a deep trance and only awoke after a theater employee vacuumed across my shoes.

Kudos to Janene Carleton for ingesting radioactive kale so as to acquire the third breast needed to work as Jessica Biel’s stunt double.

Ms. Carleton

(Of course, this dynamic move could limit Ms Carleton’s future roles. Only time and the industry will tell.)

One and a half stars for obese uniqueness.