Letters To Hollywood: Can You Wiig It?

To: Kristen Wiig

c/o Hollywood

Dear Kristen,

First and foremost massive congratulations on Bridesmaids. 

Not only was it a well-deserved financial success but a refreshing take on the romantic comedy genre AND Kate Hudson wasn’t in it.

Your portrayal of female friendships was touching and accurate, as was your impression of a penis. I must admit I was a doubter when I first heard Judd Apatow was involved. The guy has an uneven track record. He can make something sneakily sexist like Knocked Up or something unexpectantly touching like The 40 Year Old Virgin,  but with Bridesmaids this was more the latter then the former.

Plus, he looks really smug, like he would order for you in a restaurant and when you begrudgingly admit that yes, you did enjoy the rabbit soufflé and no, you would never have ordered it for yourself, he would make this face at you and whisper “I knew it.”

I know Judd was the one who urged you to put the fitting room poop scene in Kristen and yes, ultimately that paid off, but now you have had your dance with the devil please don’t sell your soul.

You are my new lady icon so please don’t let me down, I have been let down before and alas, it still burns. Many women have come before you, bulldozing their way into my heart with their total awesomeness before letting me down by making soulless derivative junk.

I recall a time when Sarah Michelle Gellar was the cherry on top of my admiration pie, being both an inspirational sexual deviant in Cruel Intentions and an inspirational sexual deviant in Buffy. That was a girl I wanted to imitate but without committing necrophilia. But then she starred in Scooby-Doo, The Grudge, some other forgettable stuff and is now in some TV show where she plays herself twice, or “twins” as they call it.

Sarah Michelle Gellar squared is not enough to stop it being pretty lacklustre stuff.

She let the fire for playing challenging and interesting roles burn out, but more importantly she married Freddie Prince Jr. He is someone you have a crush on between the ages of 12 and 14, not someone you marry and procreate with, JEEZE Gellar.

But my point is that you, Kristen, can’t do the same.

Look, I know you have been around for a while and I should be crushing on Tina Fey or whatever, but I missed that gravy train. You competed with The Hangover Part 2 and won. Sure, it made more money, but you cost less AND got Oscar nominations. Also on reflection no one thinks that is a good film, and if they do then their wrong.

You may have appeared in Paul as a one-dimensional plot device but you have frown lines you haven’t botoxed and I respect that.

I first saw you in Whip It.

I love Whip It. Not only is that a well-made, considerate and smart movie, which you rocked in, but it had some nice performances and was an interesting directorial debut for Drew Barrymore.

Plus it made me cry.

Twice.

Although, off topic and totally nothing to do with you, this photo was a exceptionally lazy promotional tool.

I use to have similar feelings for Anna Paquin back in the day.

I mean talk about a young achiever. When she was eleven she won a Supporting Actress Oscar for “The Piano”, and when I was eleven I wet myself in a ballet class and never danced again. I adopted her as a marker for achievement given the similarity of our ages and gaps between front teeth, and I placed her on a pedestal for hero-worshipping purposes.

She was the second youngest winner in the ENTIRE history of the awards, widely considered the highest accolade to be bestowed on any actor, let alone one too young to celebrate with a martini at Elton John’s after party. Her turn as the daughter of a sexually frustrated mute pianist was astonishingly good and she had “natural talent” and “going somewhere” written all over her in hollywood marker.

But then she starred in True Blood, a show I use to love for it’s refreshing take on the vampire genre, but now a show that has written itself into so many corners that there is little reason to watch it other then perverse loyalty and dislike of change.

Plus, you know, she sucks in it.

So Miss Wiig, in short. Keep being the best part of stuff like this.

And steer clear of stuff like this

Love,

Ellen x