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Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab RANT

Hello friends!

It’s the middle of July, and AFRICA HOT here in New York City.

Friday was the hottest day in NYC history. We’ve had a “heatwave” going on for what seems like weeks. Outside feels like you’re walking around in a convection oven while being slathered in Vaseline and wrapped in Saran Wrap.

I’ve taken at least 3 showers a day, every day, for the past two weeks! HORRIBLE.

This weather often makes me think of alternative means of escape, besides having sex with my air conditioner.

Go to a public pool?

Hells no, too many screaming kids.

A movie?

Sure, but not every day because they cost at least $12.00.

Some days I wish I did drugs. Don’t people use drugs to escape?

I know that a martini usually takes the edge off of a yucky day every once in a while. But drugs? Maybe not a good idea. I just watched an episode of Celebrity Rehab and even though I don’t have an addictive personality, looking at those people made me eat a kale salad instead.

You guys have seen that show before right? 

The one on VH1 that has everybody’s favorite doctor, Dr. Drew Pinsky, working out of his Pasadena Recovery Center, trying to help celebs kick the monkeys off of their backs. Yea, that show.

Celebrity Rehab has been on since 2008, and has had two casualties so far.
Mike Starr. He died in March. He was 44. He was a drug addict for at least 20 years. He died of “unknown causes.” Here is how he looked in 1991. Pretty cute.
 
Then he looked like this. 

The other casualty was Jeff Conaway. Remember him from ‘Taxi?’
Well, apparently he got hooked on pills for a zillion years and wound up looking like this…

And with those deaths, the first episode of this season began with Dr. Drew saying, “Sadly, this year we lost two of our own. But it only strengthens my resolve to fight this deadly disease.”

Now, my father will tell you that drug (or any other addiction) is NOT a disease, but that the people are fat, smoking crack, or drink too much, just HAVE A WEAK MIND. “If you’re fat, JUST STOP EATING!” – that’s what he says.

Anyway, I’m wondering how long Drew is gonna get away with this hot mess of a show. I know that they would really have to have a 24 hour cycle for the entire 28 days for us to see EVERYTHING during the “recovery” of these “celebrities” – but what we do see is a bunch of crap.

#1 – PLEASE DEFINE CELEBRITY
I thought that at the very least, a celebrity should be someone who is in the public eye, does something notorious, has a talent that they get paid a lot for, or something like that. Celebrity Rehab really stretches the boundaries of the word celebrity.

Can you name this woman, or tell me why she’s a celebrity?
You can’t, can you.

Well, her name is Jessica Kiper. She’s been an “actress” for a while, but is most famous for being on the 457th season of ‘Survivor’ in 2008. Her nickname was “Sugar.”

A celebrity? REALLY? I rest my case.

#2 – DOES CELEBRITY REHAB REALLY WORK?
I’m not so sure. Jeff Conaway was on the show twice and died. Steven Adler (from Guns N Roses) is back for his second time on Celebrity Rehab, and was also on the spin off show, ‘Sober House.’ OBVIOUSLY, HE’S STILL NOT SOBER.

He used to look like this…


Now, he looks like this…


He’s been on smack for a very long time. I’m pretty sure he wears dentures – top and bottom. His jaw is slacked (I think he had a stroke), and he’s very nasty and mean. Smokes like a chimney.

I’m wondering what it is with addicts and smoking. THEY ARE ALWAYS SMOKING!

There are other addicts on the show, and they’ve been very entertaining. And very sad.

Bai Ling (remember her from the movie The Crow?) She climbed a ladder and wandered around on the roof of the building for about a half hour.


Via therapy with Dr. Drew, she has said that she was sexually abused as a child, and turned to drinking to deal with the pain.

And Michael Lohan. You should know who he is, and why he’s a celebrity – he meets two celebrity criteria!


And one more – AMY FISHER!

You remember her, dontcha? The LONG ISLAND LOLITA! It’s been a long time since she’s been in the public eye. Nowadays, she’s very happily married, with two cute kids – a regular “soccer Mom.” Oh, and SHE’S A PORN STAR.


She’s in drug rehab (like a rat in a cage who is SCRATCHING to get out) for booze. She says that she’s GOTTA DRINK in order to get through making porn, which makes sense to me. Why is she in porn? She said that she can’t get any other job because of her past. NOBODY WILL HIRE HER, not even McDonalds. That is sad.

There are other nobodies and somebodies on the show this year (some kid from Baywatch who is hooked on steroids, and Sean Young, who we’ve seen have very public, booze fueled meltdowns)

So far, it’s day thirteen on the show, and the next episode is the “family day” episode, in which the patients families come for a visit. Fireworks are sure to go off.

In other very sad news, AMY WINEHOUSE died the other day. She was only 27. We all know that she was a hot mess of a drug addict. Another big talent who was fucked up, which is a crying shame. She is now a member of the mythic “27 Club“.

Rest In Peace Amy. We all know you never found any in this mortal coil.

I’ve experienced my share of alcoholics, drug addicts, and pot heads. I’ve had many friends die from drug and food addictions. None of it is nice. And it always sucks.

Oh look, an episode of ‘Intervention’ is coming on…

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