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Disney Is A Snow Cone: Part 3 (The Finale)

This is the final part to this epic tale of a holiday spent in Florida.

It has taken almost three weeks to tell this tale (which is not unlike how long it take your grandparents to get to the point of any story). Has it been as good for you to read it as it has been for me to write it down? No? me neither, let’s just get this thing over with shall we?

Oh, and if you should want to read Part 1 click HERE, for Part 2, click HERE.

Day 5 (Hotel)

There are two things that can happen on the fifth day of a family vacation.

1.    You want to kill everyone in very slow, methodical ways or,

2.    You get really sick where fluids are leaking out of every orifice.

I ended up dealing with the 2nd option and spent the entire day in my hotel room shooting rubbery nuggets of sick out the lower-half of me while the upper-half of my body decided to fall into unconsciousness every twenty minutes (which was really helpful since my ass had become like an automated Nerf gun and I had to pull myself out of the black and into the bathroom before I messed myself).

When I was awake and not crapping strings of green mucus-like filth, I watched TNT since that was the only channel that came in. Thanks to my sudden bout with Ebola, I am now completely familiar with the television show Memphis Beat (even though I never wanted to be that knowledgeable about it).

My family, however, spent the day back at Epcot eating their way through the various countries and partaking in Viking water rides until night fell.

By the time they returned to the hotel to see if I would like to join them for dinner, my tummy was empty of bile and I could almost keep my eyes open for more than a half-an-hour. We went to Downtown Disney where I ordered $20.00 soup and a side salad (well, not really, it was a wedge of iceberg lettuce with a splash of Hidden Valley Ranch on it and costing about $8).

Lesson of the trip so far: Take out a loan so that you can eat something other than gum.

Back at the hotel I was willing myself back to health with every bit of strength I had in me, for the next day was the whole reason I came on this trip…It was Harry Potter day at Universal Studios and I was not going to miss it for anything.

And, if need be, I would be wearing adult diapers and downing boxes of No-Doz because this bitch was gonna be getting a wand.

Day 6: Harry Potter and the Incredible Long Lines

The day did not start out well. 

We are at the point in this vacation where the family was sick of looking at each other, the heat and humidity was sapping everyone of sanity, and finding out that Universal charged $30 extra for a Fast Pass made my father-in-law cross over into crazytown.

We were there as the park opened and immediately the family started complaining that Universal sucked (even though we had not actually entered the park). I was on edge, because my ass still seemed a bit spastic and that I was pinning all my hopes and dreams on experiencing the world of HP properly.

As we walked through the various areas of Universal, I could see the top of Hogwarts beckoning to me. My heart sang, my ass clamped itself shut, and I could feel the aches and pains in my body subsiding.

Yes, this was truly a magical place.

When we got to Hogsmeade the place was packed with vacationers who were every bit as intent as I was to be there and were in no mood to move so that I could get around them.

My family started to get royally pissed and bitchy. This is not good. If they are to remain in this mood there was a good chance that I would have to leave HP world sooner than I wanted to. I looked at my husband and sent a telepathic message “If we have to kill them so that we can go into the Hog’s Head for Butterbeer I expect you to back me up”.

He nodded.

When we made it to Hogwarts the wait to get into the castle was 120 minutes (and this was about twenty minutes after the park opened). I didn’t care. This is what I came for and if I had to wait six hours I would dammit!

Half the family exploded and decided to go to Jurassic Park, the other half stood in line with me. I was ecstatic. The theme to Harry Potter played and played.  Employees passed me by wearing wool capes in 100 degree heat. There were wagons dispensing frozen Butterbeer to fat vacationers.

This was my idea of heaven.

The line moved quicker than was posted and at the forty-five minute mark I was entering Hogwarts.

Oh glorious Hogwarts! Would I see Dumbledore? What about Harry? Ron? Hermione? I felt like one of those teenage girls who panties get moist every time they see a picture of Justin Bieber. I was filled with love and joy and just wanted to hug everyone (note: Hogwarts felt exactly like rolling on E, god I miss taking drugs recreationally).

That is until I learned that no one in my family was interested in going on the ride to see Hogwarts because it was a rollercoaster.

WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!!!???

So, instead we looked around at the castle a bit, and then exited out a side door.

(You may be asking why I didn’t go by myself, answer: a rollercoaster is a ride that must be shared with a friend or loved-one as the experience demands that it takes two or more people to truly enjoy it. Sitting alone in a car or with others who are all together makes you look creepy…kinda like that guy at the bar that stands in the corner and leers at all the girls who are in their early twenties and has the scent of Perv lingering about him).

To say I was livid was an understatement. My body hummed with pisstivity.

The next stop was Ollivander’s wand shop and I could see that the line to get into it was mazed in a way that spoke of hours and hours of waiting. I dared people to complain (my hubby was not one of them; he too was willing to wait until he died of old age to get a freaking wand).

It was at this point that something miraculous happened. The whole family tired of me and my beloved and simply left us in Harry Potter World to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

We were alone for the first time in days! Oh sweet Griffindor! We were alone!

Okay, so to go into details of the day would take forever so here’s the highlights: Got a wand (after about 2 hours) drank about twelve pumpkin juices and butterbeers, looked at every HP product available, left HP World about five hours after we entered it, went on rides in the other parks without waiting (the family decided to complain to someone in customer service about whatever and scored free Fast Passes for everyone and then delivered them to us in HP world before disappearing back into the darkness), and left Universal around 8pm soaked to the gills from a couple of epic water rides where I discovered that somehow my shoes can make their own soap (don’t ask).

So that’s it. End of story.

But next time there’s a family vacation, I’m bring pot brownies.

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