If you actually know what I’m talking about, then congratulations; you’re kind of old.
If you don’t, then I’m going to try my best to explain and hope you can understand.
There I was, with Gordie, Chris, Teddy and Vern, on our way to see the dead body of our friend, when the TV over at Milton’s Electronics started playing a commercial I have never seen before:
Right Now by Van Halen started to play. A hodgepodge of video clips was shown; a baby on a beach reaching for the sky, a DOS screen, a rat on a wheel, a guy on a bike…
What was I seeing? Some sort of glimpse into the future? Where the Fates revealing what the world will be like in 20 years?
No; it was a commercial for the newest, extremest, freshest, clear soda.
I turned to Gordie and, in my best Richard Dreyfuss impression, told him that, “I must try this new, extremely fresh product.” I never knew what happened to those tools, but whatever; they can suck a duck.
While those idiots where having a weird adventure with Keefer Sutherland, I was sitting in front of my TV and twisting open a Crystal Pepsi; the future of soft drinks.
Why was it the future of soft drinks?
I had no idea. I guess because it’s clear? Clear is pretty futuristic, right?
Not really.
Crystal Pepsi lasted one year from 1993 to 1994.
I’m not including its weird relaunch “Crystal from Pepsi” or “Tab Clear” because both of which disappeared just as fast.
Anyway, Crystal Pepsi is what one would call a “gimmick;” that is to say, something that really doesn’t do much for a product other than getting more eyeballs on it for a short amount of time. The 80s and 90s where filled with gimmicks; pump-up shoes, the Virtual Boy, the Raiders from 1980-83…
So in 1992, Pepsi introduced “Crystal Pepsi,” a clear, caffeine-free version of their soda that, literally, tasted just like caffeine-free Pepsi… only it was clear. According to Wikipedia, it was in conjunction with “… a marketing fad equating clarity with purity.”
It may have been, but in all honesty, it seemed to me Crystal Pepsi was really just a way to gather as many sales with a new product as possible. It was like when Superman went all electric and turned into “Superman Blue;” it wasn’t necessarily a better product, just something to “shake things up” until the original came back.
Now remember, this was a time without internet; so, all you had to judge things on was TV, magazines and the newspaper.
When Crystal Pepsi came on the market, Pepsi really went all out. They licensed one of the biggest songs from one of the biggest bands on the planet, Right Now by Van Halen, for the jingle. They premiered the product on Super Bowl XXVII when the Cowboys were actually good. They gave out free full bottle samples with certain Sunday editions of newspapers. It was madness.
Crystal Pepsi actually did pretty well in the beginning, really because of the marketing blitz; it gained a full percentage point in soft drink sales (roughly 470 million dollars).
However, as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared.
In a weird way, Crystal Pepsi is kind of like Batman from The Dark Knight; it wasn’t the soft drink we deserved, but the soft drink we needed. It was a soft drink to band us together in love or hate. A soft drink that could show us what it meant to be human. It was a soft drink for the 1990s.
Now if you guys want to truly experience the power of Crystal Pepsi and happen to win a 20 year old bottle on eBay, I would strongly recommend you not do what the guy in the “SWAG” shirt does in this video.
I actually did it! I wrote a whole article on Crystal Pepsi, quite possibly the most asinine fad in history! Seriously you guys, this is probably the greatest moments of my journalistic career!
Until next time…
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