Douchebag (noun)
1. Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker. (Via Urban Dictionary)
2. A small syringe for douching a women’s genitals, esp. as a contraceptive measure.
3. (informal) An obnoxious or contemptible person, typically a man.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s that no matter where I am in life, I always end up surrounded by douchebags. Maybe it’s me.
Maybe, just maybe, I’m a magnet for surrounding myself with people who are such assholes that the heavens themselves shake with laughter.
What I learned from the Boy Scouts (on Wikipedia) is that it’s always best to be prepared. So in an effort to aid my fellow life travellers, I’ve compiled a guide to the classes of douchebags that lurk in our society in a format that we can all understand: as entries from the AD&D Monstrous Manual (2nd Edition).
Read well, and beware.
Hipsters are a shallow class of douchebags usually clad in quasi-vintage clothing, things from their grandfather’s closets, or anything from Urban Outfitters. They detest anything new, clean, or good smelling/tasting. Hipsters speak their own language, with 70% speaking English, and another 12.5% pretending to be fluent in French or Latin.
Combat: The Hipster will generally avoid combat at all times unless they are drunk on PBR, you’ve insulted their vinyl collection or grampa eye glasses, or they’re trying to impress a female hipster. When in combat the Hipster will generally be accompanied by a fairly hilarious small skateboard, an old-timey bike, and in rare cases, a yo-yo which all can be employed as potential weapons. The Hipster will usually steer clear of fistfights for fear or ruining their soft, un-worked hands. Their primary form of attack is verbal, usually making obscure puns from movies you haven’t heard of to insult you to the delight of their companions.
Habitat/ Society: Hipsters dwell in damp, dark places like Brooklyn, NY and Portland Oregon (their numbers have been spotted en mass in Providence, RI as well). They frequent dive bars until they become popular, and then move on to the next watering hole. The average Hipster society can contain hundreds.
Ecology: Perhaps Hipsters are such douchebags because they are easy prey for larger, more ferocious douchebags. The only thing that quells their numbers is knowledge and superior taste in beer.
The New-Agey Douchebag
The New-Agey Douchebag is a tricky character and usually a fallen member of a different class of douchebag. They are an unholy blend of SWAG culture mixed with convoluted ideals of people who attend music festivals.
Combat: The New-Agey Douchebag will first attempt to insult your intelligence by spouting phrases that are best fit stuffed back into the fortune cookie it came from. They will misquote great philosophers and try to use their pheromones (patchouli) to attempt and steal your girlfriend. If alcohol is introduced to the situation, they quickly resort to their “Bro-Culture” roots and will engage in fisticuffs. Their attacks include two “paws” (padded fists) and usually a groin kick. They are weak against being punched in the face or having their stupid hat stolen.
Habitat/ Society: The New-Agey Douchebag (or Spiritus Douchebaggus) is mainly a solitary animal. They lurk in nightclubs with their trendy friends and attempt to stand out from the herd by wearing several charms from different religions. Even though they radiate cockiness, it’s safe to assume that something terrible happened to them in their developmental years.
Ecology: Like the Hipster, the New-Agey Douchebag is weaker than other Douchebag offsets. They play nice with “Bro-Culture” Douchebags, and even belong to other subsets like Frat Douchebags and Trust Fund Douchebags.
The L.A.D.B. (The Los Angeles Douche Bag)
The L.A.D.B. is a special kind of douchebag, making their home around California. They have a very laid back demeanor and are usually wear sunglasses and far too casual attire. Even when not on their native soil, the douchiness of Los Angeles travels with them, possessing them to be complete asshats wherever they may be.
Combat: The L.A.D.B. will not fight unless on a lot of cocaine. When under the influence, they will attack using two fists for 1-4 damage each and can sustain quite a beating. They get a +10 to moral when in a rage state. When not under the influence of their magic talent dust, the L.A.D.B. will stoop to general douchebaggery including the use of phrases only stupid people trying to be smart will use (e.g., proactive, circle back, outside the box, etc.).
Habitat/ Society: The L.A.D.B. spends the majority of their time talking to people like they work for them and the rest of their time using industry speak in everyday situations. They are extremely casual and will send any combatant into a rage. They are especially effective against people from the East Coast of the United States who are a much gruffer people.
Ecology: The L.A.D.B. dwells in the hierarchy of douchebaggery. They are usually movie or music producers, and if they are not, they may still claim to be. They prey on weaker creatures by using terms no normal human being will understand and use their status (or claim of status) to lure women with low self into bed with them.
The Frat Douchebag
The most common and vile douchebag dwells in Greek Society. Founders of Bro-Culture and proponents of rape culture, the frat douchebag is truly a wretched excuse for a creature. Not to be confused with “frat guys”, normal human beings who happen to belong to a frat, the frat douchebag is a predator of the lowest order.
Combat: Usually fueled by keg beers or vodka, the frat douchebag is extremely hostile. When females of the species are around, their primary goal is sex and alcohol– by any means necessary. They will resort to chemical weapons (date rape drugs) or more standard attacks (alcohol poisoning) to get the job done. A cowardly creature, the frat douchebag travels in groups and will attack as such. They are weak against mace and kicks to the groin and their numbers can be quelled by police interference.
Habitat/ Society: The frat douchebag spends the majority of its time planning its next sexual conquest and alcohol fueled battle. They dwell in “frat houses” and use the guise of “parties” to lure potential victims and to plan their next war. They wear outrageous costumes and have unspeakable rituals of initiation.
Ecology: The frat douchebag is the lowest class of douchebag. A subclass of the Trust Fund Douche (see Part 2 – coming soon), the frat douche is a contemptible lot of drunks, and “bros” who want nothing more than to destroy property, party, and pretend that “no” means “sure”.
Please use this guide to your advantage fellow adventurers, and godspeed. Stay tuned for Part 2, coming soon.
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