The Amazing Spider-Man-ia

You’ve probably heard by now that a newly rebooted Spider-Man movie is coming out July 3.

With the arrival of the web-crawler relaunch imminent, let’s recap eight other notable flicks with memorable arachnids to get your spidey senses tingling.

Shelob in The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)

The queen bitch of all giant spiders, she’s fierce and feisty but hates bright light. Poisons Frodo, cocoons him and nearly devours him before Samwise saves the day. Last seen scuttling back into her cave, minus at least one eye and a good portion of her dignity.

Aragog in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Loyalty to Rubeus Hagrid notwithstanding, this conniving oversized beasty divulges to Harry, Ron and Hermione some important plot exposition…just before he tries to snare them for family dinner. Plot foiled by the Weasleymobile. Aragog appears four years later as a desiccated corpse in The Half-Blood Prince.

Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web (1973/2006)

A matronly barn spider coaches a lovable runt piglet to become more than a mere ham steak. Joyous and tearful circle-of-life lessons abound. I’ll take the crudely animated 1973 version with Debbie Reynolds’ voice over the live-action Babe-wannabe remake of 2006 featuring the vocal stylings of Julia Roberts, but both adaptations do well by E.B. White’s cherished book.

Killer tarantula in Dr. No (1962)

James Bond-1; would-be assassin-0. Once you’ve figured out the cinematic trickery employed to achieve the illusion of a sickeningly hairy tarantula inching its way up Sean Connery’s torso and shoulder, it’s hard not to focus on it forevermore. Nonetheless, it’s a chilling and indelible moment in the inaugural 007 adventure that remains a fan favorite.

Arachnophobia (1990)

Medium-grade Spielberg-produced horror/comedy about a small-town invasion of deadly cross-bred spiders. Jeff Daniels and John Goodman headline, but the real stars are the thousands of eight legged critters, including some real spiders that actually perform! The original ad campaign sported one of the best tag-lines ever: “Eight legs, two fangs and an attitude.”

Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

Campy B-movie giant mutant spider mayhem in rural Americana, courtesy of a toxic chemical spill. With David Arquette and a teenaged Scarlett Johansson.

Spider (2002)

True, there are no arachnids in this dark, dank psychological drama from director David Cronenberg. The film earns its place on this list simply for disturbed Ralph Fiennes’ creepy, oft-mumbled refrain, “Spiiiii-der… spiiiii-der…,” and for the killer web he weaves.

The Thing (1982)

This one’s also a stretch, but worth mentioning is Charles Hallahan’s detachable head-turned-spider-creature in John Carpenter’s ooey-gooey remake. Phantasmagoric makeup and animatronic effects are punctuated by one of filmdom’s most memorable retorts of utter gobsmacked incredulity.

Honorable Mention: Tobey Maguire in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy (2002/2004/2007) 

I send an eight-pronged salute to Tobey Maguire, who brought just the right balance of teen angst, nerdiness, comic whimsy and heroism to his trifecta of performances as Peter Parker/Spider-Man. Part 1 was a solid and satisfying introduction. The superlative Part 2 ranks among the very best superhero comic adaptations of all time. The clunky and over-crowded Part 3, well, does not.  Issues of crippling studio meddling and budget-busting aside, we might have by now seen not one but TWO additional Maguire/Raimi Spider-Man sequels to follow—and, we can only imagine, atone for—the crushing disappointment of the third movie.

Instead, Sony Pictures opted to hit the “reset” button.  Even if Marc Webb’s The Amazing Spider-Man amazes, and even if Andrew Garfield makes Peter Parker/Spider-Man his own, it still feels WAY too soon to be getting a ground-up reboot.

As for the tired marketing gimmick of 3-D? I’m just about done-done-done with it.

Put THAT in your web-shooter and sling it.