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the 84th Annual Academy Awards RANT – February 27th, 2012

OKAY, it’s 8:00 and there’s a half hour to go until the show starts!

I decided to skip the usual 18 hours of pre-show coverage that E! does – mostly because I had better things to do.

Like go outside, visit a friend, eat some food. Stuff like that. I just can’t take the mindless bullshit anymore, it’s just tooooo much!

I can only watch so much Ryan Seacrest (unless Sasha Baron Cohen messes with him).

And Kelly Osbourne, why do you INSIST on having that old lady from the 50’s lavender rinse hair color? PLEASE STOP THAT!

Okay, there’s about 5 minutes to go – I’m watching the coverage on ABC and – OOOOH LOOK – VIOLA DAVIS IS WIGLESS! FANTASTIC! I hope that she just raises a fist when she wins!

Okay, it’s 8:30 and here we go – Morgan Freeman comes out and starts yapping about how we’re all “Mesmorized by the magic of the movies.” Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Where’s Eddie Murphy?

And we launch right into a b&w clip of Billy Crystal in a “silent movie” of him being tortured, and into more clips of him in all of the nominated movies. Now he’s dressed as Sammy Davis Jr. (which, despite being a 25 year old bit, has angered a lot of Black folks) with Justin Beiber, talking about killing Hitler? What movie is this supposed to be from, ohhh, the Woody Allen movie that I didn’t see.

Kinda funny. I wonder where Eddie Murphy is right now. And now Billy starts singing.

Thank goodness THAT’S over – yipes Billy is getting old. He’s kinda turned into Bob Hope, which is not a good thing.

Here’s Tom Hanks (with a crappy sounding mic) to give the award to…


BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – Robert Richardson for HUGO! Wow, this guy is HOT! Fabulous long, white hair and good facial hair. Mazel to you Robert!

BEST ART DIRECTION – HUGO! (sorry, the names are too long and hard to spell, but they are a very happy married Italian man and woman)

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CHECK THE REVERB ON THAT MICROPHONE?

Holy shit – there’s Sheila E. and Pharrell Williams, playing drums and other percussion up in a balcony before the commercial bumper! Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

We’re back, and it’s another montage of “great moments in film” from a million different movies we’ve all seen a thousand times before.

Here’s J-Lo and Cameron Diaz to introduce an award. Waaaaaaiiiiiiiiit a minute – do I see Jenny’s nipple?

BEST COSTUME DESIGN – Mark Bridges – THE ARTIST!

Okay, we cut back to J-Lo and Cameron’s asses. Cameron says something like, “You’ve gotta take a chance!” while she’s cracking up. Sheesh. They turn around and announce the award for

BEST MAKEUP – THE IRON LADY!

Okay, now we’re doing single shots of stars talking about what movies have done for them, how they’re awesome, and the first movie they remember seeing.  Adam Sandler remembers seeing “Diamonds Are Forever” when he was five years old, and thinking about how cool Sean Connery and his chest hair was.

Hey, it’s Sandra Bullock! She’s introducing the next award in Mandarin, with a German accent, but she’s really just speaking German. Ha ha Sandy, you’re so cute.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – A SEPARATION (from Iran)

Here’s Christian Bale to introduce

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – OCTAVIA SPENCER! YAAAAAAYYYY BLACK WOMAN! SHE GOT A STANDING OVATION!

She gave a really nice, heartfelt speech and started to cry. Awwwwwww. Say, who is the White guy she’s always with? He’s cute!

Billy is back, yammering about focus groups. And here’s the funny clip. It was kinda funn – HOLY CRAP – WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FIX THAT MICROPHONE!?!?! WTF?

Here’s Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper! They’re here to introduce the awards for

BEST FILM EDITING – GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO!

BEST SOUND EDITING – HUGO!

BEST SOUND MIXING – HUGO!

Wow, if Marty doesn’t sin best director tonight…

Oh, a quick shout-out to JC PENNEY for having a spine and sticking to their guns by keeping Ellen Degeneres – I’m liking the commercials! VERY FUNNY!

Awwwwwwwwwww, here’s Miss Piggy and Kermit to introduce Cirque De Soleil.

There were lots of people flying around, VERY HIGH above the audience on the floor, lots of flipping and stuff. They got a standing ovation. Why were they here? The show REALLY could have cut that out. ENOUGH ALREADY!

Here’s something interesting, the sister of a nominee with bad posture! Guess who her sister is! Why is she here tonight?

Here’s Gwyneth and Robert Downey Jr. to introduce


BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE – UNDEFEATED! One of the winners cursed a few times, but they bleeped it. They were young and blathering, and got CUT OFF just as they thanked P. Diddy (an executive producer)

Here’s Chris Rock (funnier than Billy Crystal!) with a jacked up Afro to introduce the award for

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE – RANGO! Way to go Gore!

Here’s Ben Stiller and Emma Stone (She was cute and funny) to introduce the award for

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS – HUGO!

Here’s Melissa Leo (at least I THINK it’s Melissa Leo – HOLY SHIT, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER FACE? Madonna called, and she wants it back!) to introduce the award for

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER! 

He is now the OLDEST OSCAR WINNER – he’s 82, two years younger than the award show! He got a standing ovation!

And here’s another starlet. Her name is Li Bingbing. No, I’m not kidding. Who is she? I don’t know.

JUDAS PRIEST – THAT FUCKING MICROPHONE IS STILL RINGING! DAMMIT!

Penelope Cruz (I STILL hear chickens clucking whenever she talks. Sorry.) and Owen Wilson gave the award for

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – for THE ARTIST

Here’s Will Ferrell and Zach Gala-fla-blah-blah to introduce the award for

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MAN OR MUPPET! Holy crap, it’s the guy from Flight Of The Conchords! Bret Whats-his-face! He just won an Oscar!

And there’s Angelina Jolie and she –HOLY SHIT, SHE IS SOOOOOOOOO SKINNY! LOOK AT HER ARMS! And WHY is she trying to show us all her hoo-haa by spreading her legs – the slit on that dress is very high!

WTF is she doing? WHY IS SHE DOING THIS?

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – THE DESCENDANTS!

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY – WOODY ALLEN! Midnight in Paris – his first Oscar in 25 years. Yay for the Woodman!

Here’s the cast of “Bridesmaids!” GIRL POWER! They’re here to introduce the awards for…

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT – THE SHORE!

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE – SAVING FACE!

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM – FANTASTIC FLYING BOOKS OF MR. MORRIS LESSMORE

Here’s Michael Douglas to introduce the award for

BEST DIRECTOR – MICHEL HAZANAVISCUS FOR THE ARTIST!

Damn, sorry Marty. Damn.

Here’s Meryl Streep to introduce the Governors Award (that was already given) to Oprah, James Earl Jones, and Dick Smith (makeup artist). Meryl, that dress. No.

Okay, not it’s time for the montage of the people who died. WAIT A MINUTE – look at that HUGE AFRO! Is that who I think it is?

YES – it’s Esperanza Spalding singing “A Wonderful World” with a children’s choir! It sounds really great, kinda spooky, like something Bjork would have done!

Here’s Natalie Portman to give the award for

BEST ACTOR – JEAN DUJARDIN for THE ARTIST!

The time is 11:24 pm

And now, here’s Colin Firth to give the award for

BEST ACTRESS – MERYL STREEP – She’s 3 for 17 – the last time she won was almost 30 years ago. Who in the hell is that screaming so damn loud?

Here’s Tom Cruise to give the award for

BEST FILM – THE ARTIST!

Okay, that’s the end of the show! We saw Muppets, acrobats, a dog, really old men, and a human scarecrow who thought she was on America’s Next Top Model!

I think the show was a big yawn, Billy REALLY needs to say ABSOLUTLEY NOT, I WILL NOT DO IT, the next time they ask him. The Academy was really short sighted last night.

Now, some parting red carpet looks…

Here’s G. P. Not bad

Here is Judy Greer. Oh my.

And I will end with George’s latest victim. Now she is a fashion victim.

With an expiration date.

Well, that’s the end of award season! See you soon!

Love,

Crystal

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