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83rd Annual Academy Awards RANT

Okay, it’s 2:00 and E! has begun their “Countdown to the Red Carpet” that ends at 6:00 REALLY? TWO IN THE AFTERNOON? What in the world are they gonna talk about for FOUR HOURS! And then at 6 they will go LIVE FROM THE RED CARPET for TWO MORE HOURS after that. The dang ceremony doesn’t start until 8:30.

I’ve told people about this, and they don’t believe me. But it is true.

Anyway, for the past 20 minutes, the “hosts”

  1. Ross, the cutie-pie gay guy that you might remember from when he was “Ross The Intern” on The Tonight Show, or when he was on VH1’s Celebrity Boot Camp weight loss show.)
  2. A bald Black gay guy who I recognize from lots of other shows like What Not To Wear. I think his name is Marcellas Reynolds.
  3. Some dingbatty blonde girl who I’ve seen before, and I recognize her annoying voice.
  4. A skinny guy who is ALREADY ON THE RED CARPET!
  5. And lastly, a super skinny brunette with oddly shaped boobs.

**I looked on E!’s website to look for the names of these people, but amazingly enough, the show isn’t even listed on the website!

So, these people are in a huge gold studio filled with flowers, monitors, and an audience! Really, they got people to dress in gowns and tuxedos to sit in a studio for four hours at 11 in the morning. Yea, that’s Hollywood!

AND HERE IS WHAT THEY TALKED ABOUT BEFORE I TURNED IT OFF;


The first topic – “BABY BUMPS ON THE RED CARPET” – They count down the “five best looks in red carpet HISTORY.” Unh huh.

Topic number two is SHOES! It’s 2:43 pm

Topic number three is – J-Lo and her Venus Razor tie-in. Cue the commercial!

Oooooh look, there’s Holly Madison!

You remember her, the chick that Hugh Hefner dumped last year. Yea, now she’s the self-anointed ‘Queen Of Las Vegas!” Did she get that title from dating Criss Angel? What is wrong with her hair? It’s a platinum, frizzed out mess. Her extensions always look tore up.

Oh Holly.

And will you PUHLEEEZE stop wearing your copies of Marilyn’s “Some Like It Hot” dress. You don’t look that much like her. So stop it.

Topic number four is SEXY OUTFITS FROM ‘BURLESQUE!’

It is now 3:00 and they’re showing clips of the first time Oscar nominees and winners in their FIRST jobs (cereal commercials and movies) YAWN

OH – it’s that whiny bitchy girl from Project Runway – Kenley Collins! Remember when she was a total SNOT to Timm Gunn? What an asshole.

                                                                                                                                                                                                              

And she’s wearing some big, froofy dress that she hand painted. What, no feather in your hair? Good for you Kenley. After a quick look at her website, all I see is that she’s STILL doing her 40’s retro look. And holy shit – SHE’S MODELING ALL OF THE OUTFITS ON HER HOME PAGE on her site! Oh Hell No.

Topic number five – FALSE EYELASHES – Ja’Maaal Buster is “THE EYELASH GURU TO THE STARS!” I’m told that he’s worked on Beyonce, Ri-Ri, Jane Fonda and others. He is pushing some kind of little tool to help get them shits on straight. I need one of those. He’s a cute Black queen from Texarkana Texas done good!

Topic number six – How do you turn a “fugly” (read – a fucking ugly Bridesmaid dress) dress into a beautiful dress? (read – a gown you could wear to the Osars) The models are two actresses who played sisters in the nominated movie, The Fighter. Hmmm, I wonder what that means.

Okay, I’m going to eat lunch now. I can’t take much more of this. Oooooooh look, there’s a Hoarders: Buried Alive marathon on TLC!

I’ll check back later.

Okay, I was just on Facebook and saw that a friend of mine is supposed to be on this show. So now I HAVE to tear myself away from Hoarders and wait for my friend Chris.

Henley is back, and her “fashion show” is a bunch of her dresses that were inspired by animated characters. In other words, a Project Runway challenge that hasn’t happened yet. Keep this in mind this season! Anyway, these dresses are horrid. And why is Holly Madison here for this? Oh yea, she’s in another ugly dress and that hair. HOLLY – PLEASE TELL YOUR STYLIST TO AT LEAST SHAKE THE HAIR OUT BEFORE CLIPPING/SEWING IT IN. FINGER COMB IT. DO SOMETHING. Beyonce used to make the same mistake – pulling the hair right out of the bag and slapping it on.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, I’m back after a break. The time is now 6:11 and the Ryan and Giuliana LIVE ON THE RED CARPET show has begun!

*Melissa Leo is wearing a custom designed dress that looks like she rolled around in broken shards of mirror.

For some reason, it reminds me of Kim Basinger in 1992, when she was dating Prince. Remember that?

Okay, anyway, Kelly Osbourne is with Giuliana on some spot high above the red carpet, talking about how “I can’t believe the GOOORGEOUS stuff I’m seeing!” I’m sorry, but I just have to say again that GIULIANA IS TOO SKINNY. And now that she’s wearing her hair up, her head LOOKS EVEN BIGGER THAN NORMAL. You can really show films on her forehead. Except that would be a bad idea because she’s so damn orange. Now listen friends, I have a big forehead, but G’s melon is just too much. From now on I will refer to her as “The Head.” Please make a note of it. I WILL NOT SHOW PHOTOS.

Okay, back to the carpet.

*JENNIFER HUDSON! She looks GREAT in a sexy “tangerine orange” Versace number with purple shoes!. I might join Weight Watchers because of her. Seriously.

*REESE WITHERSPOON! Uh, Barbara Eden called, she needs her I Dream Of Jeanie clip-on fall back. Oooh GIRL, the color doesn’t match at all. Wassamatta you?

*CATE BLANCHETT! I can always count on her to wear something odd yet fabulous. I can’t describe it, just look at this Givenchy dress. It looks like a sculpture. But the hair needs CONDITIONER or HAIRSPRAY! WHAT IS GOING ON TONIGHT?

*SHARON STONE! Between the hair, black eyeliner, and that dress, I’ve gotta say she’s Black Swan gone bad. Eeeeesh. Funny, Kelly and The Head are gushing about how “stunning” she looks. I CAN’T FIND A PICTURE. The more I see her, I think she’s turning into that character she played in Catwoman.


*NICOLE KIDMAN! Interesting Dior Couture dress, bad hair. It looks like strawberry blonde straw. Is there a conditioner shortage in Hollywood tonight?


*GWYNETH PALTROW! A nice Calvin Klein silver sheath. It looks very “Space 1999” in a good way.

*JESSE EISENBERG – Please take a cue from Justin Timberlake and BUZZ YOUR HAIR OFF. You always look like you just got out of the shower, and/or wrestling practice. Don’t get me wrong, Justin’s curls looked great, but the buzz suits him well.

*HALLE BERRY! – You look good gurl!

Okay, it’s 7:53 and I’ve just seen the 85th commercial that features a Kardashian. The family, Kim & Kourtney, and now Khloe and her husband have their own show. Ryan Seacrest is quite the Pimp, isn’t he? What a stable of bitches he’s got.

Okay, SEACREST OUT! I just turned to ABC – their show started at 7. There’s Robin Roberts in a nice gown. YAY – TIM GUNN! He’s talking to Jennifer Hudson and just gushing over her. I wonder where Chris Connolly is. But I do see Maria Menounos talking to Sandy Bullock. And there’s some brown haired woman asking my favorite schizophrenic, James Franco, some really dumb questions.

Tim Gunn asked Gwyneth a question tweeted in from a fan – “If you could sing a duet with anyone in the world, who would it be?” Her answer was, “Ummmmmm…Jay-Z. Because I think we’d be a great combination, and he’s a GENIUS, and I’m a big fan.” Okay. So I guess because she sang with Cee Lo on the Grammy’s she thinks she’s got a Pass. Uh, not yet girl.

It’s 8:30 Okay, here we go!

I like the opening package with the Alec Baldwin/Inception parody. It’s not super funny, just okay. Uh oh, it looks like Franco is filming the audience while walking out on stage with his iPhone. He’s probably going to use it in one of his classes tomorrow. Awww, and his Grandmother is sitting behind Louis Gossett Jr.

And now, Tom Hanks is giving the awards for

BEST ART DIRECTION – ALICE IN WONDERLAND!

CINEMATOGRAPHY – INCEPTION the guy thanked his Union crew- yes!

It’s 8:49 – commercial break.

And here’s the electrified, wisecracking corpse of Kirk Douglas – bless his heart. He’s “announcing” the BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – MELISSA LEO! Wow, Kirk sure did make her wait for it, so she dropped the F-bomb.

Someone please shoot Kirk Douglas. He is not funny at all.

Here’s Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis to introduce the BEST ANIMATED FILM category. THE LOST THING for best animated short film and TOY STORY 3 for best animated feature film. Nice dress Mila!

Here’s Javier Bardem and Barbra Streisand’s stepson (you know, whats-his-face…Josh Brolin!) to announce the BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – AARON SORKIN for THE SOCIAL NETWORK.  And I just LOVE how he talked until he was finished. And the BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY is – THE KING’S SPEECH.

And now Russell Brand and Helen Mirren, who ALWAYS looks AMAZING. She’s got a great rack!

They are announcing the BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – IN A BETTER WORLD (Denmark). This is Denmark’s third win!

Here’s Reese and her fake ponytail to announce the BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – CHRISTIAN BALE.

Here are Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman to present the BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – TRENT REZNOR AND ATTICUS ROSS! (The Social Network) Say, Trent cleans up real nice (his wife looks like a porn star) – he beat out Hans Zimmer!

Here’s Matthew Mconawhatever and Scar Jo to announce the award for BEST SOUND MIXING – INCEPTION. SOUND EDITING – INCEPTION

The time is now 9:51

Here’s Marissa Tomei to announce the Scientific and Technical awards – which are the most important, but have a separate ceremony a week earlier. LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE SCIENCE NERDS!

Here’s Cate Blanchett to announce the award (“That’s gross.” she said after a clip from The Wolfman) for ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP – THE WOLFMAN! Hooray for my favorite Rick Baker, his 7th win! He’s so awesome.

COSTUME DESIGN – ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Hey, it’s Kevin Spacey! Where has he been? In England opening up a theater I think. Anyway, he introduced Randy Newman, who wrote the nominated best song from Toy Story. Love him!

I skipped some stuff, but ow here’s OPRAH to give the award to the BEST DOCUMENTARY – I don’t care who won because EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP lost. Sorry Banksy, wherever you are. Maybe you’re Oprah!

Dammit, it’s 10:23

Here’s Billy Crystal! He’s blithering on and on about Bob Hope. Is he getting some type of honor tonight? It doesn’t look like it.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – RANDY NEWMAN for WE BELONG TOGETHER from TOY STORY. Sorry Gwyneth. FORGET YOUUUUUUU… Oh Randy, you so crazy. Well, it’s his second win out of 20 nominations. He’s the Susan Lucci of this category, so let him prattle on like a mental patient.

THE TIME NOW IS 10:48

Let’s look at some more drag while they announce awards I don’t care about, shall we?

Jennifer Lawrence – she was in Winter’s Bone


Florence Welch from the band Florence And The Machine. This does not look good on her.

Amy Adams, the dress is fab, but you need some conditioner for those fly-aways.

Helena Bonham Carter. The dress is better this time (she said that she and a costume designer created it – go figure) – but that hair. It’s a wacky octopus with tendrils. WTF? Her husband Tim Burton and those glasses.

Here’s Hilary Swank, looking like a woman! Feathers = Black Swan influence.

Michelle Williams. Is it me, or does she look like an alien?

And now, Celine Dion is singing under the montage of dead people. Ooh, Hallie is paying tribute to Lena Horne! So that makes three, no, four Black people on the show tonight. That’s two more than were in the Vanity Fair Oscar Issue. Progress?

Here’s Katherine Bigelow to give the award for BEST DIRECTOR – TOM HOOPER for THE KING’S SPEECH.

THE TIME IS NOW 11:06 – Will I get in bed before midnight?

BEST ACTRESS – NATALIE PORTMAN! for BLACK SWAN! What a year she’s had – a hit movie, falling in love, getting pregnant, and now this. Good for you!

BEST ACTOR – COLIN FIRTH for THE KING’S SPEECH.

THE TIME IS NOW 11:28

BEST PICTURE – THE KING’S SPEECH. That’s four awards for that movie tonight. Does the Tea Party know about this?

Oh well, it’s 11:37 and I’m more than ready for bed. My week long mid winter break vacation is over and it’s back to the salt mine tomorrow. Shit.

Awwww, here are the kids from the PS22 Chorus (from Staten Island!) to sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow. This is sweet, but why are they here? Will it do anything for school music programs?

Anyway, We’ve had a good run in the thick of award season this year. My next RANT will be on my favorite train wreck, CHARLIE SHEEN. Some folks have contacted me to ask why I haven’t RANTED about him sooner. I’m giving him more rope.

See ‘ya soon!

Love,
Crystal

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