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The 69th Annual Golden Globes RANT!

Okay, it’s 5:45 and I totally forgot about the damn COUNTDOWN TO THE RED CARPET coverage on E!

I just turned it on to see the three ‘Fashion Police’ experts – Giuliana Rancic, The Gay Guy (I think his name is George), and Kelly Osbourne (who is STILL sporting her “I’m a 78 year old Grandma in 1967” hair color (a.k.a. lavender cotton candy) – which continues to boggle my mind.

Kelly, the dress is amazeballs, but your hair? No.

Giuliana is wonking on and on about George Clooney and how nice he is, how you need to watch the “360 degreee Glam Cam”, and other crap like “Who’s gonna win best dressed on the red carpet tonight?” Blargh.

Diana Agron from Glee – LASER CUT PERFECTION!

Now, they’re playing a game called “Who’s Tat?” where they have to identify celebrity tattoos (Angelina Jolie got the Roman numeral for 13 tattooed on her arm because she’s not supersticious…isn’t that COOL?”)

THIS JUST IN – Angelina Jolie will be wearing a special edition of the earrings she wore to the Oscars in 2010!

OKAY, IT’S LIVE FROM THE RED CARPET WITH RYAN SEACREST! IT’S 6:00!!


They’ve got 25 cameras, platforms, stages, and Giuliana is just as orange as ever. Totally basketball colored.



Why does Zooey Deschanel look like she stepped off of the Laugh In set?


She really works my nerves.


Why is Mia Farro – uh Michelle Williams wearing a headband when her hair is so short?


Stop it please.

Looks like what’s-his-face is gaining some weight. He was wayyyy too skinny, he didn’t look right. Not Seth Rogan, but the other one. Ummm, Jonah Hill.

LOOK! There’s David Bow – um, Tilda Swinton!

OH MY GOD! SHE LOOKS LIKE A ROBOT! WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER ARMS, THEY’RE SO SKINNY? 

SHE IS A BOBBLE HEAD!

Okay, I’m turning to 60 Minutes, this is getting boring. Oh look, a story about the nation of Qatar. It’s 7:27 pm.

I’m back, and JUST IN TIME to see Ryan Seacrest ask Jessica Alba this important question, “How important is it to pick the right dress?” REALLY? Seacrest, you SUCK. The time is 7:48

Seacrest to Claire Danes –
“How is selecting a dress for “The Globes” different than picking a dress for the other award shows?”
REALLY RYAN? REALLY? You REALLY suck right about now.

Okay, it’s finally 8:00 and Ricky Gervais dove straight into it! 1 – Kim Kardashian is a whore 2 – Eddie Murphy may be gay 3 – Jodie Foster’s beaver. And she gave it a thumbs up!

Elton John was just scowling. He REALLY HATES Madonna.

Okay, it’s 8:49 – Madonna just won for best original song for a film! She beat out Mary J. Blige and Elton John – both of whom look like they’re gonna beat her up in the parking lot!

Mary J. before the beat-down

Idris Elba won! YAY BLACK MAN!

Hey Buffy The Vampire Slayer, 1969 called, and they want their bedsheets back!

THE VAMPIRE & BUFFY

Jessica Lange just won for American Horror Story! How sad is it to think that she looks REALLY OLD, when she just looks normal?

PS – the show has been kinda boring. But Ricky has been funny!

Okay, when Ricky introduced Madonna, he coughed after saying that she was “like a virgin.” So Madge tries to fight back with her own zinger. But she’s so fucking uptight, she can’t deliver the lame joke! She says it like she’s a robot…

“If I’m so…likeavirginRicky…thennnnn, why don’t you come over and do something about it?”

**the crowd whoops and claps** “I haven’t kissed a girl in a few years. On television anyway.” ZING! (sort of. Nice try Madonna, don’t quit your day job!)

Dear Madge. Why are you wearing a dress that’s cutting your breasts like that? And the glove. No.

Awww, Angelina didn’t win for Best Foreign Film. Whatever, Brad will make it allllllllll better when you get home.

It’s 9:56 – and Sidney Potier just came on stage and got a (well deserved) Standing Ovation! This reminds me, I’m gonna watch Let’s Do It Again for some great laughs! He’s presenting Morgan Freeman with a Lifetime Achievement Award! Along with Helen Mirren, who did most of the talking. Why did she do most of the talking? They couldn’t find any Black actresses to salute him? REALLY? Oh…..wait, I can’t think of any who have worked with him. Hmph!

Octavia Spencer does it right!

Okay Sofia Vergara, sit down and shut up. Whenever you talk, all I can hear are chickens clucking. And please remember, you’re no Lucille Ball, Honey.

Okay, ENOUGH with the “Mermaid” dresses, we get it. Enough already.

WOWZA, now George Clooney is saying that Michael Fassbinder can golf with his hands behind his back and just use his penis? Real classy George. My friend Mary cracked a great joke:

Q: What do you say to George Clooney’s new girlfriend?
A: Nothing. Just hand her an egg timer.

Why was Nicole Richie there?

THE WRAP UP:
Overall, the show was boring. I think that Ricky was on stage a total of maybe 10 minutes. He got in his zingers (especially when he asked Johnny Depp if he saw his own movie), but he wasn’t on long enough, and I’m DYING to know how much he got paid for that gig. He should have sat out this year, and maybe come back in two years or so to really shake things up. There was way too much whoop-dee-doo about him coming back.

Alright, I’ve had enough. See you at the next award show!

Love,

Crystal

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