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The 54th Annual Grammy Award RANT!

Okay, so to TOTALLY skipped the 75 hours of RED CARPET COVERAGE on E! – mostly because I just could not sit through everyone being asked the same five questions about how shocked everyone is about Whitney Houston’s death.

It is beyond sad, the end.

I only watched the last half hour or so, and I have just one question…why was Lady GaGa dressed like a bag of onions?

THE TIME IS 8:00

Bruce Springsteen opened the show with a rollicking version of what I think is his new single from his upcoming album. The hook says, “We Take Care Of Our Own,” so I’m guessing that’s the name of it. He got a standing ovation. He looks good. What kind of Botox is he using?

LL Cool J is the host?

Really?

Congrats Homey, I guess after a few years of only letting you do the “pre-show award show” they let you step up to the big show! Why does he insist on wearing a hat when he’s got a great bald head?

I mean, he never wears a hat on the show he’s on. He started his monologue with, “We’ve had a death in the family, so let’s start with a Prayer.” AND THEN HE SAID A PRAYER! AND PEOPLE HAVE THEIR HEADS BOWED!

“That said, welcome to the 54th Annual Grammy Awards!” Oy! Then they showed a old clip of Whitney doing “I Will Always Love You.” Standing ovation.


LL goes back to talking. He puts Adele on the spot, and she turns 3 shades of red. He shouts out Paul McCartney, his “O.G. Homey.” What? He’s trying to pump up the crowd, yelling his face off. Eeesh. I would HATE this gig.

He introduces Bruno Mars, who busts out with a full band, in satin jackets, bow ties, and rocks out. Nice DA hairdo too. He yelled at the crowd – “…Come on get off your rich asses and dance!” Then he started doing a James Brown imitation – THIS KID IS CRUSHING IT!

COMMERCIAL

Okay, while the commercial is on, let’s look at a singer you’ve never heard of…

Her name is Nadeea.

Honey, if you’re gonna go to all the trouble to get a spray tan, why wear makeup on your face that doesn’t match? Back to the drawing board!

We’re back. Bonnie Raitt & Alicia Keys (Apparently, she and Katy Perry go to Bruno Mars’ hair stylist. What’s with aoo of the DA’s tonight?) are doing a tribute to Etta James – “A Sunday Kind Of Love.” HEY ALICIA, RANDY FROM AMERICAN IDOL CALLED. HE SAID, “YO, YOU’RE A LITTLE PITCHY DOG. A LITTLE PITCHY.”

POP SOLO PERFORMANCE – ADELE – “Someone Like You.”

LL introduced Chris Brown, and the crowd went nuts! He’s doing the same old dance moves, but has added those acrobatic “Parkor” dancers to his routine. The music sounds like something Rihanna rejected. THIS SHIT IS BORING, BORING, BORING. Why was he performing? Who allowed this? All he ever does is the same shit! Who is his agent, and why isn’t he on Dancing With The Stars? LEARN TO SAMBA CHRIS, AND GET OVER YOURSELF!

COMMERCIAL – Google Chrome. I love the ads, but would someone PLEASE explain to me how to use it?

Oooooooh, it’s Fergie and The Crypt Keeper, uh, I mean J-Lo’s ex husband, I mean Marc Anthony! What is that girl wearing? Oh, it’s a Gaultier? Okay, I guess we’ll allow it. HEY FERGIE, MADONNA’S CLOSET FROM 1984 CALLED, AND IT WANTS THIS DRESS BACK! *80’s TREND ALERT – NEON COLORS ARE BACK!* And, apparently, so are “granny panties.”

Way to go Ferg. I think they drilled too deep in your skull when you got those caps put on your teeth.

They introduced the award for…

BEST RAP PERFORMANCE – JAY-Z & KANYE WEST – “Otis”

Here’s Reba McIntyre! She introduces some new Country singer named Jason, and Kelly Clarkson. They sing well, but the set looks like it came from the Broadway show Wicked. BROADWAY IS EVERYWHERE Y’ALL!

COMMERCIAL

It’s Jack Black, blathering about having “indie cred” and how you lose it when you perform INSIDE the venue, then introduces the Foo Fighters. Playing the show outside…didn’t MTV “invent” this shit 20 years ago? Does that stand for “indie cred?”

And now, here’s another singer you’ve never heard of until now…

Her name is Sasha Gravida. That’s all I got.

COMMERCIAL

Rihanna & Coldplay. So far, I see a LOT of this RiRi, a gaggle of back up dancers, lots of pulsating lights, , and no pasty White guys in sight. I feel like I’m in a Gay dance club, or an aerobics class on Christopher Street. HEY, RIRI, TINA TURNER CALLED, AND SHE WANTS HER WIG BACK. Okay, aerobics class is over, and now Chris Martin is on stage with an acoustic guitar? WTF? Oh, Rihanna is back, singing harmony with Chris. Should I know what song this is? What is going on? Oh, okay, NOW I see the rest of Coldplay – singing “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall.” *80’s ALERT* And apparently it’s 1983 – HEY CHRIS MARTIN – WHAM WANTS THEIR “WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO” VIDEO BACK. Andrew is PISSED!

COMMERCIAL

BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE – THE FOO FIGHTERS – “Walk”

Dave is talking about how great Butch Vig (still with those purple tinted glasses I see) is, and how they made this album in his “garage” with microphones and a tape machine (really a full on studio with hundreds of thousands of dollars of equipment, including a “tape machine” and some microphones, don’t front Dave, I saw the documentary and your “garage”) – “The human element of music is the most important thing. It’s not about being perfect, or using a computer…” He’s got a point, and I’m sure if he could stab Auto Tune in the heart with a wooden stake, he would.

Next up, that Kardashian Pimp/pipsqueak Ryan Seacrest introduces The Beach Boys. Maroon 5? WTF? Singing “Little Surfer Girl.” With a full band behind them. Oh, it’s the Beach Boys’ backing band. Now who is this singing “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” this guy singing looks scared to death! WTF IS GOING ON HERE? He looks like Rachel Zoe’s husband, Roger. Okay, SEACREST OUT – and now it’s Brian and the boys! Singing “Good Vibrations.” Sorry, Mike Love still looks like a total douche.

COMMERCIAL Now, while the car commercial is on, let’s look at Robyn. Remember her? Her last album was pretty darn good. I’m surprised she was nominated. She is giving what I will call, “Muted Bjork realness” in her MULLET SKIRT. Oh, and the platform Caterpillar boots? A RANDOM 1994 RAVE CALLED, AND IT WANTS THE BOOTS BACK.

LL introduces Stevie Wonder, who introduces Paul McCartney, who sings one of his new “old” songs, “My Valentine.” He doesn’t sound so good. Very croaky. Standing ovation. Common and Taraji P. Henson gave a lifetime achievement award to Gil Scott Heron, and some other people.

BEST R&B ALBUM – CHRIS BROWN – “Fame”

HOLY SHIT, I guess he’s over the hump. He thanked God and his fans. Very nervous. I wish Rhianna came out and clocked him in the face, but she’s probably gone back to him. She really needs to see a shrink. Enough with the tattoos girl. Sheesh. Nice Armani gown that you “co-designed” with him though. Do it up before they fall!

Now some woman and dude come on a little stage and sing some Country song, I think. They’re like a talented, crooning, Country version of the White Stripes. Then they introduce Taylor Swift. And she’s playing a banjo and playing on what looks like a rejected set from Hee Haw, or “O’Brother For Art Thou.” That kid’s got talent though! Is that Emmet Otter in the background?

COMMERCIAL – Holy crap, it’s 9:51 already!

And we’re back to see the Song Of The Year award…

SONG OF THE YEAR – ADELE – “ROLLING IN THE DEEP”

Katy Perry is on, and lip synching that “Alien” song. Oh wait, it was a fake out! Now she’s on top of the stage, singing a song that sounds like Pink wrote it. She’s angry and in a weird rubber superhero type bodysuit. This is a very angry song that is obviously aimed at Russell. It’s her version of Pink’s “So What.” Lots of fire and stomping background dancers. *80’s TREND ALERT!* – she used a KRIMPING IRON on her dyed “Marge Simpson” blue hair! Wow, she’s pissed, and is feeling liberated. But I’m sure she’ll get back to squirting whipped cream out of her boobs in no time. Crazy mixed up religious girl. I wonder how good Russell is in bed?

BEST COUNTRY ALBUM – LADY ANTEBELLUM (still one of the worst band names ever) – “OWN THE NIGHT”



COMMERCIAL 

ADELE IS BACK – AND SINGING ROLLING IN THE DEEP! YESSSSSSSSS! And she is giving 60’s thick black eyeliner, big false eyelashed, bouffant side part haired, fabulous black cocktail dress, glittery pump FABULOUSNESSSSSS! She’s having fun, and so into it, and CRUSHING IT! Why do so many people hate this woman? She kicks ass! I hope she kicks Karl Lagerfeld’s ass! And she got a VERY WELL DESERVED standing ovation…and they cut to Rihanna,

COVERING HER EARS. WHAT? STAY CLASSY RIRI.

COMMERCIAL

Taylor Swift is introducing a tribute to GLEN CAMPBELL! A Country band I don’t know is doing a good job with “Gentle On My Mind.” Blake Shelton sings “Southern Nights” – awesome, I really dig that guy. And now Glen comes out and sings “Rhinestone Cowboy!”

AMAZEBALLS! And then they cut to some dumb girl in the audience who is TEXTING ON HER PHONE. REALLY? Carrie Underwood does a duet with Tony Bennett – “It Had To Be You.” What is wrong with her mouth? Why does she keep calling him “Mr. Benez?” What? Did you hear that? She said it twice!

BEST NEW ARTIST – BON IVER

First of all it’s pronounced Bon Eeeeevare? Get the hell outta here. And this guy looks like a 50 year old balding/bad combover, sad accountant with a scraggly beard. His suit looks TOTALLY Salvation Army – rumpled brown tweed? Is he wearing deodorant? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? Oooooh, Nikki Minaj is PISSED because she lost. I wonder if she’s gonna sick the Pope on Mr. EEEEeeee-Vare. Sheesh…

Oh, it’s Versace? Well, I guess it’s okay then…

Oh, it’s Versace? Well, I guess it’s okay then…

And now, Neil What’s-His-Face, the President of the Recording Academy, commences his yapping about how great the Recording Academy is, and about Music Cares (which does do good things for Artists), and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Now the montage begins, showing the people who died last year, including my Uncle, Ray Bryant. The montage ended with Whitney Houston.

And now here’s J-Hud, alone on the stage, with one of Diahann Carroll’s “Julia” wigs on (Why does your stylist hate you so much? You look like you’re 50!), singing “I Will Always Love You.” She was holding back tears, but crushed it!

COMMERCIAL

Oh look, there’s my old friend Ahmir (?uestlove) with LL to introduce some dance music segment with Deadmaus, The Foo Fighters, Chris Brown, David Guetta, that horrid ‘Lil Wayne (thankfully he said 5 lines and then bounced. I wonder how much he got paid?), and LOTS OF SCREAMING KIDS. Why is Chris Brown dressed like RUN DMC? OMG, I have a headache. Now the Foo Fighters are reenacting their “analog” video in that brightly lit cube. Why are they doing this? Oh, NOW THEY’RE DOING A MASH-UP WITH DEADMAUS! OY – MY HEAD! It’s 10:54

There are Deadmaus fans with home made masks, which is cute. I really dig that electronic head he wears – it’s pretty amazing. But this segment is horrible.  

COMMERCIAL – it’s 10:59 pm – time sure has flown by tonight!

Okay, the Nikki Minaj performance that was touted as being “unforgettable” has begun. A badly made video clip that looks like the Exorcist? Whoops, girl almost ate her lipstick while acting crazy. I’ll tell you what’s crazy, that lace front wig she’s got on is crazy. And she looks odd, not wearing all of the usual brightly colored eyeshadow and lipstick drag she’s usually got on. I thought she was a “Barbie?” Hmph. Then back to the stage with her handcuffed to a wall, stained glass windows like a church background? Dancers in Monk robes? I can’t understand a DAMN THING she’s yelling, but at least she’s got a live mic! Oooohhhhh, Lady GaGa is PISSED! Oh, and now Nikki is floating in the air on her back? Half naked dancing girls with their legs spread on altars with priests praying between their legs? Okay, I have NO idea what I just saw, or what it meant. Look for it on YouTube later today. Hot mess. I just heard that her “alter ego” is named Roman Zolanski. WHAT THE HELL? Beyonce is “Sasha Fierce” and you think of something that rhymes with a perverted Movie director from the 70’s? Girl, get Exorcized and then back to being a Rapper.

RECORD OF THE YEAR – ADELE – “ROLLING IN THE DEEP”

She’s swell! COMMERCIAL Diana Ross is here to give the award for…

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – ADELE – “21”

THE TIME IS 11:23 And now, Paul McCartney is singing “Golden Slumbers”

WOWZA he sounds really bad. Does he need throat surgery now? Springsteen, Dave Grohl, Joe Walsh…is that Jeff Beck? and some other dudes are on stage with him now, playing guitars, ROCKING OUT. It’s now 11:30 and I have a headache from all that noise. Joe Walsh looked really good though. What the hell is HE doing? Does he go to Springsteen’s dermatologist?

Okay – that’s all I got. I think it was one of the BEST Grammy shows I’ve seen in a L O N G time, and kudos for paying tribute to Whitney without making it super sad. It was a celebration for sure!

SEE YOU NEXT SUNDAY AT THE OSCARS!

Love,

Crystal

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