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The 53rd Annual Grammy Awards RANT – Sunday February 13th, 2011

Hello friends!

I’m really looking forward to this years show for a few reasons;

  1. Eminem got the most nominations, 10! Did any of you hear more than one song off that album? I didn’t.
  2. Dolly Parton is getting a lifetime achievement award!
  3. A tribute to Aretha Franklin!
  4. Cee-Lo!

Okay, it’s after 6:00 and I have on E!’s red carpet coverage. And what do I see?


THIS!

LADY GAGA IN AN EGG. That’s all I got.

Wait a minute, I get it now. Her new single (which rips off Madonna’s ‘Respect Yourself’) is called ‘Born This Way.’

She told the press that she was going to stay in that egg until her performance. Get it, she was “born” on stage?

Egg?

GET IT? sheesh.

Ryan Seacrest is looking good with his fuzzy little fauxhawk. I’m so glad he stopped bleaching his tips.

Oh, and Giuliana The Scarecrow is skinnier than the skinniest Olsen twin. When she turns sideways, all I see is the image of a lollipop.

No WONDER she can’t get pregnant. Eat a damn sandwich girl.

Jennifer Hudson in Versace! Loubitain shoes with her corns popping out! Weight Watchers works!

Now Ryan is talking to Drake and his mother, who appears to be a 4’ 11” old Jewish broad who has a Brooklyn accent, despite being from Canada.

Why is Tia Carrere at this show? She looks good, but why is she here? She’s so out of the loop, I can’t find a photo of her to show you. Oh wait, I found one. What is that pelt on her shoulder?

The same goes for this girl. Why are you here Kim?  It’s not the AVN Awards.

Now that I see Willow Smith‘s face close up…she is odd looking.

And the shoe strings in her hair don’t help either. I’m not showing you a photo. Not worth it. On second thought, look at her shoes.

Louis Vuitton sneaker/shoes. Oy VEY!

Miley Cyrus REALLY looks like a dancer from Scores (sorry Roberto Cavalli). Bad leftover extensions from Beyonce’s wig closet.

Hey, there’s J-Lo and her husband, The Crypt Keeper! (he’s so craggy, they always yank him off the carpet so Jenny can get her photo snapped solo.)

There’s Diddy. Talking about how that “Diddy Dirty Money” crap is about to go double platinum. I’m having a hard time believing that.

Katy Perry, her skeleton husband, and 90 year old Grandmother with her glittery cane are talking to Seacrest. YAWN.

Hey, there’s Ellen Deg – uh, I mean Justin Beiber.

In a white tux, black bowtie, and white sneakers. Shit, I DO mean Ellen Degeneres. And what is with the white shirt and cream colored suit? John Mayer did made the same mistake.

Rihanna.

HATE the hair, LOVE the dress. Gaultier, you’ve done it again! Tissue paper and Lei’s!

Okay, it’s 8:00. HERE WE GO!

Clips of Aretha Franklin singing at old Grammy shows.

Here’s LL Cool J to announce the tribute featuring Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Florence Welch, Yolanda Adams, and Martina McBride.

*Damn – Hudson changed her wig from her red carpet entrance!

*Greg Phillingaines is the band leader! Remember him?
*Christina is really trying TOO HARD to make up for her blunder at the Super Bowl. WAYYYY too much “over souling” going on. Stop it Christina. Now.
*Martina is singing ‘Until You Come Back To Me.’ Very bland until she wails the last few lyrics.
*Florence is singing ‘Think.’ I think her nerves got to her, because that girl can really wail.
*Hudson has ‘Respect.’ She got it. Church.
*Yolanda has ‘I Can Feel The Spirit In The Dark.’ CHURCH!
All the ladies end it with ‘Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves.’

Zowie, that was just about too much! WAIT – there’s a clip of Aretha – she’s lost A LOT of weight.

WOW!

Rumor has it that she had a Gastric Bypass operation. But saying that she was possibly dying from Cancer is a very strange spin, so I don’t know what to think. But I do see a lot of hanging skin on her.

I’m just glad she’s still alive.

Back from commercials. The ladies are presenting THE BEST POP DUO OR GROUP – Cast Of Glee, Maroon 5, Paramore, Sade, Train – HEY SOUL SISTER (LIVE) by TRAIN. The Mandolin strikes again!

Look, Ricky Martin! He’s introducing Lady GaGa. She came out in a flesh-colored rubber skirt and bandeau top, an 80’s “Valley Girl” ponytail, and tons of back up dancers. Madonna needs to kick this girl’s ass real good.

Commercial

And now, here’s Miranda Lambert. Her hair has so much Aqua Net in it, it refuses to move.

Time for a snack.

Lenny Kravitz! Nice haircut, but why is that animal pelt hanging around your shoulders?

WHAT IS WITH THE ANIMAL PELTS TONIGHT? PETA IS ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL! Anyway, he introduced Muse.

Why are all of these guys dressed like Disco balls?

500 TV screens, people jumping around, holding flares, with animal masks on, what the hell is this? I never really got into this band, and now I know why. My friend Dierre thinks that song was about rising up against the Illuminati.

I didn’t understand anything that guy was singing. But I did see an image of Prince Charles and Carmella getting pelted with eggs while they were in the back of a limo.

Prince Charles is in the Illuminati?

Okay, Ryan is on and yapping about a “POWER TRIO OF EXCITING, YOUNG BREAKOUT STARS.”

Bruno Mars
B.o B.
And Janelle Monet

Bruno’s pompadour is pretty darn high! B.o.B. is WEARING A MONOCLE. What?

Now Janelle is up, and she’s killing it with her little self and her Big-assed pomp. LOVE her! Bruno is on the drums. B.o.B. is on guitar. And they’re all jamming.

What, another award has to be given out?
BEST FEMALE VOCAL (Country) PERFORMANCE – MIRANDA LAMBERT for ‘The House That Built Me.’ As she ran to the stage, her hair stayed perfectly frozen in place.

Ugh, here’s Justin Beiber and Usher. Actually, I’m not mad at Usher. He’s the newfangled version of Colonel Tom Parker! Can’t you see it now, Justin dies on the toilet from a drug overdose in 25 years? Justin is now a “token Whitey!”

Oh Justin, he’s got a Punk Rock Circus theme going on. Lots of back up dancers dressed as Ninjas.

WHAT – Jayden Smith? Good grief, why is he on stage with Ellen? Isn’t his sister Willow performing later on? Oh, the director just cut to Will and Jada, proud parents just beaming away! Barf. And now Usher with that fucking ‘OMG’ song. I REALLY HATE IT! And here’s Ellen/Justin doing his robot dance along with his boss. Oh My God indeed.


BEST ROCK ALBUM – MUSE – THE RESISTANCE. Neil Young is pissed.

BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM – Justin Beiber, Susan Boyle, Lady GaGa, John Mayer, Katy Perry – LADY GAGA for ‘The Fame Monster!’ She’s wearing molded leather bustier get up.

Hey Stephani, Batman called, and he wants his chest plate with erect nipples back!

(She thanked Whitney Houston, because she imagined Whitney singing ‘Born This Way’ while she wrote it)

Wow, a clip of David Letterman doing his ‘Top Ten’ list of things that happened at the awards tonight (number one was “Justin Beiber – hair piece!) And then he introduced Mumford And Sons (who seem to be from the 1800’s), then some other guys came on who also look like they’re from 1865.

What is up with this jugband/hooten-nanny/banjo/fiddle vibe? And now Bob Dylan is croaking (I MEAN REALLY CROAKING) ‘Maggie’s Farm.” IT’S A REAL HOOTENANNY Y’ALL. The sound guys need to be fired. I can hardly hear Bob croaking. Nice shoes Bob. Three seconds of harmonica playing? Really?

More Country people singing. WTF? Where’s Minnie Pearl when you need her?

Miley and The Kings Of Leon present THE BEST COUNTRY ALBUM which goes to LADY ANTEBELLUM for ‘NEED YOU NOW.’ Didn’t I complain about their name before? Look it up people. The Wiki page looked like this for a few minutes during the show.

Read the first sentence.

Whoopsie! I guess this is too tiny to read. Anyway, the first sentence says, “Lady Antebellum is an anal-sex group.” ROTFL!

Here’s Jaime Foxx introducing Cee-Lo with Gwyneth Paltrow (GWYNETH PALTROW? – will GLEE stop at NOTHING for promotion?) and The MUPPETS! Oh my goodness, Cee-Lo is in some vintage Elton John Drag (from when he was on The Muppet Show)

Gwyneth is soo damn skinny, flopping all over the piano, eventually standing on it, almost falling off of it.

Separated At Birth?

DAMN, it’s almost 10:00 already!

Here’s the nice Church gal – Katy Perry! She’s spangled, sparkly, gilted and glittery. But her voice is cracking. Okay, she’s busting out the Valentine’s Day theme with a skirt with giant “Conversation Hearts” on it. Lots of backup dancers in red, big neon, lit up hearts in the background. She’s singing “Teenage Dream.” I like her aesthetic, and her face has almost perfect symmetry. I’m not going to show any photos of her.

Here’s John Mayer, Norah Jones, and Keith Urban singing ‘Jolene!” This is good, except John looks like he just got out of bed, and had to look at the teleprompter for just one verse. THIS IS ALL DOLLY PARTON GETS? REALLY? That stinks!


SONG OF THE YEAR – Ra LaMontagne (who?), Cee Lo Green, Miranda Lambert, Eminem, Lady Antebellum – NEED YOU NOW by LADY ANTEBELLUM. Really? FUCK YOU!

And now, Rihanna, Dr. Dre, some other chick, and EMINEM!

Ri-Ri is in some odd looking ball gown that looks like it was rescued from a fire, which makes sense because one of the lyrics is about watching her burn.

Marshall looks like he’s ready to kill someone. Sobriety works for him though.

Here’s Dre. He looks like a muscle-bound giant!

Here’s a 5 month pregnant Jewel and John Legend to give the BEST NEW ARTIST award (a.k.a. The Kiss Of Death award) Justin Beiber, Drake, Florence & The Machine, Mumford & Sons, Esperanza Spalding – ESPERANZA SPALDING! WHAT!?!?!?

Holy shit, this is amazing! I hope her career isn’t over now. W

OW! This is monumental, seriously.

And now, Matthew Morrison from ‘Glee.’ He has an album coming out soon. He introduced Neil Portnow, the guy who runs the Academy Of Recording Arts And Sciences to give his speech about the programs and stuff. And that leads us to the musicians who died last year. Always a bummer to see.

And now here’s MICK JAGGER to sing a tribute to “King” Solomon Burke.

I know this is Mick’s first time on the Grammys (really?) Oh wait, there’s Raphael Saddiq! Show more of him! Okay, Mick did get the crowd on its feet. There’s nothing like a 67 year old guy, with the body of a 12 year old girl, jumping around in Reebok sneakers, singing an old Blues song to wake everyone up!

And we’re back. KRIS KRISTOFFERSON!? Oh, he’s here to introduce Barbra Streisand! He doesn’t sound too good though. Whoopsie, neither does she! Those first few notes of ‘Evergreen’ were a little pitchy dog. As a matter of fact, the whole song was really bad. She got a standing ovation for that?

Oh shit, here’s Niki Minaj and that fool Will.I.am.

I refuse to show any more photos of him, so here’s a triple shot of her.

They’re giving the BEST RAP ALBUM – B.o.B., Drake, Eminem, Jay-Z, THE ROOTS! – the Grammy went to EMINEM for ‘THE RECOVERY.’ He looks constipated. What’s wrong with his eyes?

Back from the commercials, here’s Diddy. What the fuck is wrong with his teeth? Are there caps with black diamonds or something? And he’s stuttering, what the hell is wrong with him?

Anyway, he introduced Drake and Rihanna. That girl is working overtime tonight. There is a big bonfire on stage, lots of dancers in hideous, ragged outfits. Horrible.

Here’s J-Lo and The Crypt Keeper doing their to give the RECORD OF THE YEAR Grammy – B.o.B., Eminem, Cee Lo Green, Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, Lady Antebellum – ‘NEED YOU NOW’ by LADY ANTEBELLUM. WHAT!?! FUCK YOU!

The time is 11:12. Time for Arcade Fire. Another bunch of musicians who when they first came out, seemed to be from the 1800’s. But right now, they look like they’re trying to channel The Ramones, but with fiddles and BMX bike riders with cameras on their helmets. Strobe lights, screaming, what the hell is this? Now I have a headache. Shit.

Kris and Babs introducing ALBUM OF THE YEAR – ARCADE FIRE, EMINEM, LADY ANTEBELLUM, LADY GAGA, KATY PERRY – and the Grammy went to…ARCADE FIRE for ‘The Suburbs.‘ I guess I gotta listen to that album now.

The Arcade gang is just all over the place, and now they are climbing BACK ON STAGE TO PLAY AGAIN? Well, as my friend Dorothy pointed out, they are a REAL BAND who play REAL INSTRUMENTS, which I applaud of course. I just don’t get them at all.

Rock music is back!

  • Eminem only won TWO out of TEN nominations!
  • Lady Antebellum won more than I care to remember!
  • Arcade Fire gave me a headache!
  • Rihanna performed 25 times!
  • Old people lost their voices! (Yes, I’m looking at YOU Bob, Babs, and Kris) I guess Mick is the exception because of that contract he signed with Satan after he killed Brian Jones. More on that later.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow is delusional, all because of that movie and Glee episode!

Oh well, it was an interesting show to say the least. I gotta take something to get rid of my headache from that Arcade Fire performance. BLAME CANADA!

See you next week after The Oscars!

Love,
Crystal

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