The 17th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards RANT

Hello Friends!

I hope that you’ve recovered from the Ricky Gervais debacle of The Golden Globes!

I think that he did an EXCELLENT job, and I will refresh your memory later on.

Tonight is all about the SAG awards.

It’s always exactly 2 hours long, and kinda boring because it’s a sit down dinner with not much booze. Hopefully someone will shake it up.

Well, the time now is 7:00 and I gotta turn on E!

Amy Adams, The Bride Of Frankenstein called, and she wants her dress back.

Hey, it looks like Eva stole The Mummy’s leftover bandages. WTF?

Who is this girl, and why is she wearing this? Oh, she’s Jennifer Lawrence? Okay.

And WHY is she here? Oh, that’s right. She’ll show up at the opening of a paper bag. I forgot.

FINALLY, it’s 8:00! Let us get this show on the road!

Hey Annette Benning, you should have brought your glasses so you could read the teleprompter. Oh that’s right, Elvis Costello took them from you at the Golden Globes. I forgot.

And now, the President of the Screen Actors Guild.

Ken Howard is the President of SAG? He’s come a long way from being The White Shadow. Good for you Ken, I’m liking your Union talk about how SAG will join forces of AFTRA.

Say, where’s Salami at?

What is this? A tribute to commercials?

Awww, Lucy & Ricky, Clara Peller, Hawaiian Punch. Good times. Thank you commercial actors!

Awww, I’ve LOVED her ever since the great TV show Homicide. This is her year! Hooray! Awww, she’s crying – but her dress is AMAZING!

Well, it looked good on TV. Uh oh, now she’s getting political about the Unions joining forces. UH OHHHHH…

Nominated 15 times, and this is his 5th consecutive win for this show. Amazing!

Her first nomination and win in this category. Okay, okay, I thought she had the year of her life last year? I haven’t seen that show Hot In Cleveland (because I don’t know where TV Land is on my cable system. (Probably in the low hundreds) I’m sure it is cute, but really? She beat out Jane and Sofia? Okay, you’re 89, Betty – keep kickin’ ass you old broad!

Oh look, Helena Bonham-Carter-Burton. The dress is pretty bad. Not as bad as that mess at the Globes. But the hair. I’m sorry Helena, but you’ve GOT TO STOP IT. NOW.

That is a pretty funny show. And I’m not a lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but Sofia Vergara is one hot piece of ass. And never mind that I hear chickens clucking every time she opens her mouth. That bitch is HOT!

It just dawned on me that I’m seeing a LOT of plates filled with half-eaten salads and chicken. This show needs more booze. And Ricky Gervais. NOW.

Remember this?

I thought he was bloody brilliant! And he shouldn’t have been fired, or messed with, BECAUSE HE WAS DOING HIS JOB – which was to take the piss out of everyone. Right?

No need to suck up to anyone.

I’m glad this show is only 2 hours long. One more hour to go!

Hey, it’s Tim Conway!

He’s giving a lifetime achievement award to Ernest Borgnine, who is 94 – a living legend. They’re old pals from McHale’s Navy – remember that show?

Tim is still funny! They’re showing a nice clip package of Ernest’s 70 years of work. His Mother suggested he take acting classes.

HOLY SHIT! Look at Tova’s face. She looks like Raquel Welch, only pulled much tighter. WOW.

Here’s Morgan Freeman to present the award. He’s wearing a black glove on his left hand. I wonder why And why is Geoffrey Rush still wearing the same had from the Golden Globes?

Oooh, there’s Justin Timberlake and some other guys from that FacePlace movie. Why does that Eisenberg kid look like he just came from wrestling practice? His hair is horrible. Always horrible. It’s so bad, I won’t even post a photo of it.

Oy, this show is a snoozer.

Thankfully only a half hour left. Yikes, Hillary Swank! What happened to your hair? I saw it on a mop in the market earlier today.

And the mop used a better conditioner.

His first nomination and win in this category!

Her first nomination and win in this category. And she thanked her Union for taking care of her since she was 11.

Where’s Sally Field when you need her? UNION! UNION! UNION!

His first nomination and win in this category.

And now, here’s a homeless man in a tuxedo to annou…I mean Donald Sutherland to announce the last award of the night.

Okay, it’s 10:00 on the nose and now I must go to bed.

I hope that the image of Helena’s hair doesn’t give you nightmares! So I’ll burn it with these images…

Hey Angie Harmon, Carrie Bradshaw called. She AND 1998 want that dress back.

Oh Hailee. So young. So naive. Actually, the more I look at it, the more I like it.

Oh Winona. Are you getting married?

Love,
Crystal